To [Fill in blank] with love.

La Mariana Sailing Club

2010-04-19T19:23:00.001-07:00

La Mariana Sailing Club
Originally uploaded by jericl cat

To those who rush through life

2009-11-24T10:40:00.005-08:00

City cars go by, street buses arrive and depart, people walk to and fro. Does it ever stop? A baby bird falls from its nest in the middle of a bustling city. Does anyone stop to notice? Do you have time? Will the bird die from the negligent foot that accidentally steps on it?

When time has passed, it can never be retrieved. We are only left with memories that keep the past fresh. Children grow up, friends move away, food gets moldy, people get old. What will you do when time has escaped you? Was your time worth it?

Live today like you’ll never have another. Cherish the moment and experience the laughter in those around you, friend or stranger. Never harbor negative feelings for negative energy manifests and multiplies. Sweet success, joy and satisfaction is around you. Do you see it? Don’t let the rushing of life pass you by. Once it’s gone, it will be gone.

To those who love animals

2009-11-24T10:40:00.003-08:00

To those who love animals, may your heart smile with glee each time you see a companion show excitement and love. Animals possess the capability of non-judgement; something of which we have yet to learn. Let the heart sing with each tail wag, meow, paw and purr. Should we allow ourselves to be so compassionate as they, the world would indeed become a better place.

Help others recognize that this is a gift for us to share. Be not judgmental that others do not follow suit, only encourage that they too will find this gift when the day comes.

To those who are divorced

2009-11-24T10:40:00.001-08:00

The heart sinks with pain; drops to the ground and makes a big thud. You fear that life will never be the same, but the truth is that it will if you allow it to. Pain and suffering is a moment in time where you feel lost, hopeless and out of control. As you’ve learned to enjoy happiness, learn to accept the pain. For it is in this moment that you will remember that you are human. Allow yourself to cry from within, to yearn for love and security. The moment you accept that nothing is permanent you will notice that things may go by easier and quickly. Learn not to fight yourself, only the circumstances.

The day will come where love and glory shall return. Have hope. For you are human.

To those are are young and free

2009-11-24T10:39:00.003-08:00

Smile in the moment and remember that you are here. be open minded, loving and worthy of friendship. Know that everything surrounding you is an opportunity to learn and grow, that one day when that time comes, you must grow up. Enjoy the moments of blessed warmth, carefree love. You are the master of your own universe. Your heart is vibrant and emanates with hope, success and opportunity. It won’t last forever.

To those who are bored

2009-11-24T10:39:00.001-08:00

Seek the sacred space in-between and cherish the moments in the past, present and future. To have and hold is the divine secret of being. Fear not that time shall escape you, for you are granted significant amount of time to fulfill your duty. Ask of yourself, do you live to play or play to live.

As time stands still, you will hear the messages within. Be not angry, hasty or aggressive that you are tiresome. For you have simply not leaned to listen to your inner voices. Had heard it, you would not be bored.

Stand still and listen to the air. Listen to its song. Do you hear the silence? Do you feel the peaceful serenity? You are alive. Don’t waste another moment... do something fulfilling and rewarding. Now.

Getting lost.

2009-06-10T10:41:00.001-07:00

I was driving down to Bouchon last night, a fancy french restaurant, when I got lost and ended up going the wrong way. If you know how I travel, I actually like getting lost because I stumble upon interesting things off the beaten path. Well, I ended up at the Yountville cemetary and I had to stop! For some reason, I am drawn to older cemetaries. There is a lot of history behind the people who lived there and I like to read their names, find out when they died.

I got out of my car and brought my camera. It's a little plot of land, empty with maybe a few birds swooping in and out. When I entered the cemetary I immediately knew that I was drawn here, but I didn't know why. With hands reached out, palms facing up, I let the earth guide me to what it wanted me to see. I felt a tug on my right hand and knew I had to turn right. I walked in that general direction, not knowing exactly where I had to go so I kept asking "Where?"

As I walked through the various graves, I started to feel sensations on my feet. The best way to describe it is when someone puts their hand on your foot and you feet the warmth of their hand. That's what it felt like. Then I felt it on my ankle, up my calf. I instinctively knew that the spirits were reaching out to me. I continued walking and felt the spirits holding my hands. Three fingers on my right hand started to curl, like a child had grabbed my hand but wasn't big enough to wrap it around my palm. I acknowledged it. I soon walked to a grave that had a faded yellow wrought iron fence around it. I stood there for a moment and allow myself to feel what they were trying to tell me. You won't believe it, but I felt an immense sense of sadness and loss and started to cry. Yep, me crying at a cemetary - Good Lord! I actually forgot to read the grave marker, so I turned back and read it.

A little girl died when she was 7 years old. Her brother died 4 days later, he was 5 years old. How heart breaking is that?

The wind was starting to blow and I wanted to head back to the car, plus I didn't want anyone to see me crying at a gravesite. Mind you, I'm a chinese girl walking around in a white people cemetary. That'd be an odd sight! As I walked back, I could feel the energy on my hands envelope my entire right hand. Then my wrist. And my arm. And my elbow. They were begging me to stay and wouldn't let go. It reminded me of children who hang on to you when they don't want you to leave; they grasp you harder and tighter, not wanting to let go.

I bid a silent farewell and wondered if I once lived here. I don't know and I'll never know.

Bouchon Bakery Yountville
6528 Washington Street
Yountville, California 94599
Phone: 707.944.2253
Fax: 707.754.4122
Open everyday, 7:00am to 7:00pm

Pioneer Cemetery

Lincoln St & Jackson St,
Yountville, CA
(707) 967-9980‎

Woah, take it easy boy!

2009-06-08T10:29:00.000-07:00

June 6 & 7th, 2009

Saturday came and went; I was so exhausted from the day before that I slept in until 10am. Lauren & I cooked breakfast (see attached) and sat on the outdoor patio and enjoyed the warm sunshine. The dogs were rolling around frolicking in the grass, while we sipped our hot coffee. What a beautiful day!

I've been thinking about the last few days which have been a whirlwind - the people I've met, places I've been to in a mere 7 days. Is this a sign that I'm meant to be here? Am I supposed to stay here and develop my calling?

I don't know. I'm too tired to think.... maybe I'll write more on Monday.

June 8th, 2009
I'm still tired; woke up at 9am and tried to get my act together. I have some work that needs to be done so chances are I will be staying at home. Nothing fun to report.

Like silver and gold.

2009-06-05T12:57:00.000-07:00

June 5th, 2009

Like silver and gold. Those were the words that were used to describe friendships, love and celebration of a birthday among friends local to St. Helena. To the end of the night at Cheers! St. Helena, I stumbled upon Rory who invited me to join him at Cook, a restaurant up the street. There, I met and hung out with some of the most fabulous and sincere people in the world. In mere minutes, we were debating spiritualism, life and death - something which had taken me over 10 years to develop in Los Angeles.

I am continually amazed by the sincerity of the locals, welcoming everyone with open arms and non-judgement. I feel as if this is the place that I have been asking for over the last few years. In comparison, it has taken me 10 years in Los Angeles to develop friendships that took me 5 minutes to make here in Calistoga. Call it a tourist town, but there's really something different about it. People don't ask me what I do, they ask me who I am - who is the true Sonya Lee?

And you know, the answer to that is that I am in love with being where I am at the moment. I love being "here". I don't mean here as in a physical location, but here as a moment in time. I love being "here".

The rest of the day will be considered a wash. I spent $250 to attend Auction Napa Valley and tasted some of the finest (in barrel) wines in the world. It was unfortunate to have ended that event with a proposition as bold as "Hey, do you want to make out", mimic in slurred speech. Needless to say, I left very quickly.

But to be honest, there's something real about the people here in Napa. Call it bold, brave, honest and truthful, but I feel like I am able to truly be who I am. Yes, you can create yourself anywhere as long as you are honest to yourself. But, it always gets easier when you are readily accepted and welcomed.

I feel welcome here in Napa. Do you?

Napa Valley Vintners/Auction Napa Valley
www.napavintners.com/anv/

Cheers! St Helena
www.cheerssthelena.com

You never know!

2009-06-04T12:55:00.000-07:00

June 4th, 2009

Much to my chagrin, I never heard back from Jim at Domaine & Chandon, so I was a bit disappointed that Lauren & I wouldn't be going to the 'sold-out' private cocktail party the winery was hosting. But, nonetheless I knew I had work to catch up on and had to continue working on my business plan. I spent much of my day at The Napa Valley Coffee Roasting Co; a local coffee house that roasts and serves great coffee. Sitting there, I pondered what kind of person I'd be had I stayed in my previous marriage. My ex was never supportive of my freelance endeavors and told me I'd never succeed outside a job. Well pooh on him. I'm so relieved that I've taken the path less chosen, even if people don't call me back. Who knows what I would have been like? I'm here now and that's all that matters.

I was still feeling a little bit disappointed that my connection to the wineries was a bit fuzzy and again, I wasn't sure how my business idea would all pan out. But, as God has plans it always works out miraculously in the end. Matt has also been trying to figure out how and when he is going to visit me too, but since he has to work I guess we'll just wait and see.

After a quick lunch at Giugni's, I decided to head back home and call it quits. Plus, I had to get ready for a locals game of bocce ball, which I'd never heard of before. Interestingly enough on my drive home, I heard my cellphone jingling. I picked it up only to realize it was Jim, the winemaker, who wanted to know if I was still interested in the cocktail party. You bet your butt I am! I couldn't wait to tell Lauren the good news. She loves that bubbly stuff.

At 6pm, we met up with a few people that Rory introduced me to at the bocce ball game. Apparently, the locals get together after work every night at the park to play ball, drink, sing karaoke and then do it all over again. There was Sean & Michael (not together) who both sell wine at Napa Valley Farms. Who would say no to a day of fun? We did.

Shortly thereafter, we headed over to Domaine & Chandon, and boy, were there lots of girls wearing skimpy dresses in cold weather. Lauren & I kept chuckling about how women always pay the price for beauty while men get off wearing jeans and sports jackets. Luckily for us, we arrived wearing pants and flat shoes. We sat our butts down, enjoyed the food from the 4 star restaurant attached to the winery and didn't think much of the party or the mixed champagne cocktails. Jim found me chatting it up with an old couple and enthusiastically introduced me to few folks from the winery, including the sparkling wine maker, PR lady and someone else I can't remember. They were all very interested in hearing about my business idea and kept insisting that we get together to chat sometime.

While walking through the crowds, Lauren & I ended up chatting with a few people who surprisingly, turned out to be a chef at Bouchon, a gardener for French Laundry, and a former CPA turned pastry chef. I'm finding that the reoccurring theme here in Napa is that its important to enjoy what you do and love where you are. None of these boys are originally from Napa. The evening ended with a quick bite at Bottega where the boys seemed to know the right people. A chef even came out to say hello and ask us ladies if we needed anything else. Lauren quickly jumped at that and replied, "Oh, yes please! Something chocolate-ly would be great!". It turns out that chef was Michael Chiarello, himself. What a great night, yeah?

Domaine Chandon Winery
1 California Dr,
Yountville, CA‎
(707) 944-2892‎

Napa Valley Coffee Roasting Co‎
1400 Oak Ave,
St Helena, CA‎
(707) 963-4491‎

WF Giugni & Son Grocery Co
1227 Main St,St Helena, CA‎
(707) 963-3421‎

Bottega‎
6525 Washington St,
Yountville, CA‎
(707) 945-1050‎

Bouchon Restaurant‎
6534 Washington St,
Yountville, CA‎
(707) 944-8037‎

French Laundry Restaurant
6640 Washington St,
Yountville, CA
(707) 944-2380‎

Home Sweet Home

2009-06-03T12:54:00.001-07:00

By popular demand, okay... well only Jen Yee requested it... are photos of the house I'm staying at in Calistoga. It feels so homely, welcoming and warm. I truly wish I could live here forever, but I'm starting to realize I should have packed more clothes and stuff.

I'm especially loving the jacuzzi, as well as the BBQ grill in the back. The neighbors are super friendly, which makes me feel great and safe knowing that he is also a police officer.

Terra Valentine

2009-06-03T12:54:00.000-07:00

June 3rd, 2009

Wednesday started off really great. I was so happy to be in Napa that I cooked breakfast for Lauren & I and made some coffee with the freshly roasted coffee beans I picked at The Roastery in St. Helena. It was really important that I put some food in my stomach, since I had a 10:30am appointment at Terra Valentine for a wine tasting. I've been emailing Rory back and forth to set time aside to visit his winery, and alas was on my way with Monster by my side.

When I showed up, I had to make sure that puppydoos was all set since the winery doesn't allow dogs inside. The building looked like a gothic castle, full of stained glass and gargoyles. Heidi, our wine guide, briefly showed us where the wine is made and then led us up into the 'castle' for some wine tasting, which was wonderful! I also caught up with Rory and had some great conversations about life, its path as well as some business ideas.

At 1ish, I headed down the mountain to the Half Bottle Party at Taylor's Refresher and was a little bit apprehensive about showing up at a party not knowing anyone. The Half Bottle Party is basically a gathering for locals to get together, share some leftover or newly brewed wine and just mingle. Since I had Monster I knew it'd be easier to meet people than not, so I sat my butt down and do what I do best. EAT.

While eating my bleu cheese burger, I started chatting up with two fellows who turned out to be wine makers at the wineries near by. It was really fun talking to them, especially since one of the guys is from Domaine & Chandon. After they left, people swarmed Monster left and right, giving him plenty of love and attention. Next thing you know, I'm sitting with the locals and being introduced to several people, talking about life, spiritualism, having a good time and explained my business idea to them. They accepted me with open arms and invited me to join them over the next few days. Not only that, I've made plans to attend the Napa Auction on Friday, and volunteer at Cheer! later that evening. Not bad for day three!

To be quite honest, I wasn't exactly sure how I was going to "hit it up" with the locals and work on my business idea (which is related to the travel industry). But, it's smooth sailing so far. I am loving every second of it. Day three has ended beautifully with a dip in the jacuzzi and a nice dinner with Lauren at Rutherford Grill.

Sweet :)

Terra Valentine‎
3787 Spring Mountain Rd
St Helena, CA‎
www.terravalentine.com
(707) 967-8340‎

Taylors Refresher
933 Main St,
St Helena, CA‎
(707) 963-3486‎
www.taylorsrefresher.com

Cheers! St Helena
www.cheerssthelena.com

Day two in Calistoga

2009-06-02T12:53:00.000-07:00

June 2nd, 2009

Day two, or officially day one here in Calistoga and I think I'm in love. Seriously, head over heels? Really? Lauren and I drove separately from Los Angeles, but we met up on the road and stopped a few times to let the dogs, Monster and PuppyNoses, out to pee. We arrived at the house last night around 8ish, dropped off the dogs, scoped out the house and went to grab a bite to eat downtown.

First off, the house is amazing. I need to read a dictionary to learn a few more words that describe how fantastic my experience is so far, but its exceeding every single expectation I have. The house is a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house with a really large and well manicured backyard. Outside there is a BBQ grill, a fire pit, heated jacuzzi and a few couches to sit back and enjoy. I'm in heaven. Not only that, the house is fully stocked and feels like I'm visiting grandma's home. Did I tell you I love it yet?

So, after a morning of reading my emails I headed out to the Post Office to return Matt's cellphone charger I accidentally took with me. The mailman made a few recommendations as to where to visit and the journey has commenced! I've made plans to go wine tasting tomorrow at Terra Valentine and meet up with a friend named Rory I met this past February while wine tasting with Matt. Rory happens to be the financial guy at Terra Valentine. I'll be tasting solo, but what the heck... I'm here to enjoy it.

There's also a local event called "Cheers! St. Helena" this Friday which will premiere over 50 wineries, food vendors and just local fun stuff. I may volunteer with Rory or just hangout as a patron. Nonetheless, I'm tickled silly and love it here.

Calistoga, CA

Calistoga, here I come!

2009-06-01T12:49:00.000-07:00

June 1, 2009

After a week of being home post-trip from Hawaii, I am ready to travel again! A few months ago I really wanted to plan a trip up to Napa Valley. Matt and I had visited a few months ago during his birthday and I fell head over heels with this part of town and swore I had to come back. And alas, here I am packing up my backs (didn't have to unpack them from Hawaii actually) and am taking my belongings, work and dog up to Calistoga for a whole month.

I'm really quite nervous about it since this will be my first time traveling away from home in a long time. There won't be a welcoming committee to greet me when I arrive, but it'll be fun exploring the wine-country alone (and with my dog). Though this trip is a much deserved vacation, I also see it as an opportunity to further develop some business ideas as well as catch up with the artistic side of my talents. Being out in the nature inspires me to paint, draw, breathe (very important) and enjoy what life has to come. And sure, it's also a much welcome escape from Los Angeles!

So my car is packed up and I'm off! See you in Calistoga, baby.

2008-04-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

Last night, I drive 65 miles to San Juan Capistrano to attend a seminar with my friend Rima and her mother. Rima is a friend of mine from Warner Bros, who went on to become a high school art teacher.

The speakers name is Sheevan Moran and she speaks about positive thinking and the use of energy diversion. It's a matter of focusing your energy on what you want, instead of what you don't want. In the end, you attract whatever comes into your mind. Every thought is a form of energy, so you ultimately create your own success.

Hmm.. it was interesting, but I think I am spoiled by the Wayne Dyer's of my time. He focuses on positive thinking and common sense. Much better for my logical mind :)

2008-02-28T10:57:00.001-08:00

Okay. I'm supposed to upload photos but I am procrastinating because I left my camera charger in Toronto. Nope, no intentions of buying another one so I think I will just wait until my next visit to Toronto or have my brother ship it.

Yesterday marked Matt's birthday and he celebrated in style with his coworkers in the office. I think they had a blast, but I wasn't able to join his b-day lunch because I was out in the west-side meeting with clients. Oh my my, I didn't remember how bloody horrible traffic can be on a weekday at 9am! Not only that, I noticed how drivers in LA never smile. At all! You can easily find smiling people on the streets, in the stores, walking by, but you will rarely see any smiling drivers on the freeway. If you're lucky, you might get a big middle finger!

Whats up with that?

2008-02-26T06:41:00.001-08:00

Frustration no more! The last post was kind of blah and I am suddenly feeling much more revived now that Matt & I have returned after a month long of traveling. Our trip to Toronto was much anticipated with family gatherings, family meals and family excursions. Did I say family? I love it! I can't begin to tell you how much I miss being in the company of family. However, the fact is that they are all around the world and far away.

When we first arrived in Toronto, we were picked up by my cousin Kathy and her boyfriend Kirk. I really had no idea what car she drove, but Matt was very quick to decide that it was possibly the Honda Civic "rice burner" driving in the airport circle. Damn him, he was right too! After a quick visit to her apartment in Mississauga, we went off to meet the rest of the clan at a Chinese restaurant where we met up with my aunts, uncles, cousins, and extended family members. Ahh... I love big Chinese dinners! :)

The following week ensued with a visit to Niagara Falls, where my aunt set us up in a hotel room with a view of the Canadian and US falls directly from our window. The hush of the falls provided a sort of white noise, which made sleeping all that easier. My aunts spent much of their night and morning gambling away until their tired little hands could no longer push the "BET MAX" button. Aunt Maggie walked away with a lump sum and refused to gamble any longer, while Aunt Nancy tried her luck several times. It didn't help that the lady behind her won 2 jackpots within 5 minutes at 2 different machines! How is that possible?

We stayed in Toronto at my brothers condo, which is conveniently located near the heart of downtown. We spent many days walking around the streets, exploring all the local flavors and even stopped for an outdoor skating opportunity - how magical! The most disturbing part was seeing blood forever caked into the surface of the ice in a specific location, which we passed in ever lap. But, we never let our bottoms touch the ice and finally went on to explore some more.

The most memorable family dinner was at Uncle Pat's house, where he dished up a 4 course italian dinner including Veal Parmigiana. This was followed by a lunch the next day with Aunt Nancy in Chinatown where she ordered a 5 course meal to feed more than were seated at the table! Did I mention we were still stuffed from the dinner the night before? Needless to say, my family goes hand in hand with food. I love them to death and wish that I were not so far away. It's good to know that if I were starving, all I'd have to do is hop on a plane to Toronto and I will be well taken care of until I can no longer fit into my pants :)

A little frustration.

2008-02-01T12:40:00.000-08:00

I'm trying really hard not to write about my frustrations, since I really do need to update my blog about my trip to Toronto with Matt. But, this seems to be on the forefront of my mind right now, so I'm going to get it off my chest (ehrm, Uncle Pat!)

I've heard through the grapevine and have sensed, that there are some people who are disgrunted and unhappy with Matt because he hasn't written back, returned phone calls or gotten in touch with friends. It's come to the point, where certain people feel that they have been barred from such friendships and have spread rumors about the lack of response from our beloved soldier.

While I understand the gamut of emotions running through everyone's mind, I can say with certainty, being by Matt's side that homecoming sure sounds great, but it's not easy reintegrating back into normal life.

I will not entertain the idea of explaining what he's been up to, but please do mind your P's & Q's because if you don't know what Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is, I suggest you read up on it. And, if you don't know what its like to be living in a battle zone where the enemy's goal is to do nothing but KILL YOU every single day - then I suggest you sign up with the US Army.

I hope that all friends will try to understand that a human being risked his life for your freedom and safety. The least you can do is be sympathetic, understanding and respectful in kind.

Good job welcoming him home.

A photographic year in retrospect.

2008-01-18T14:31:00.000-08:00

Last year started with a lonely opening. Matt had just gone to Iraq, but I was fortunate to have a good friend who moved in with me. We had little to no furniture - you can actually see that our seating area is just a mattress :) But, at least we had a Christmas Tree!

I had plenty of friends who kept an eye on me, sent me Christmas cards and helped me through the holiday season. I also kept Matt's photo of Nemesis on the mantel to help remember him :)

Matt bought me an annual membership to the Huntington Gardens. I went as often as I could, just to clear my mind and enjoy the fresh air. It's such a beautiful place!

I started a new job at Disney and quickly jumped into what was the most fun web-launch I've ever experienced. We had many late nights, catered breakfast, catered lunch, catered dinner and even a special deliver of Red Bull from Bob Iger. It was fun working 80 hours a week, spending time with friends and my roommate (on the right).

My best friend Jen announced that she was going to get married and asked me to be her Maid of Honor. We went a little bit crazy going wedding dress shopping and spent lots of time together over-eating at fancy little chinese boutique restaurants. That's exactly the opposite of what we really should have been doing - losing weight!

My roommate Dawn finally came out of the closet that she was dating Shanan (pronounced Sha-Naan). We celebrated her birthday at Hurry Curry of Toyko, her favorite restaurant :)

Lauren also celebrated her birthday, so we all went to some fancy Pizza restaurant which I can't remember its' name. But it was lots of fun seeing all of my friends.

Since I worked at Disney, I went to the park a few times to keep myself amused. I'm not sure that I would pay $80 to get in, but FREE sure is great!

In the meanwhile, my boyfriend sent me some very expensive and beautiful flowers. It really made my week...

Oh, and we finally launched Disney.com in style! My roommate was not getting enough sleep that she was losing her mind (picture right). I also forgot to mention that it was great working with familiar faces from the good ol' days of Warnerbros.com

When Chinese New Year came around in February, I decided to host a dinner party. It was so much fun - even if our dining room table was simply a couple of boxes covered with a table cloth. Hey, we were in transition!

Disneyland was a lot of fun with friends. Shana and I both worked at Disney, so we were able to get some friends into the park. We had so much fun, laughing and we could have been an attraction ourselves. Photo right: Oh, and one of the perks working at Disney was getting a flash class with renounced Flash pro, Robert Reinhardt (the guy with the glasses)

Jen & I went out several times, even to China town. No, we didn't hijack someone's baby.. but rather had lunch with David Ngo - a friend who moved to New York.

Sadly, my own baby had to leave me to go live with my ex. It was very difficult to break up the family, but he had to go. John deserved a cat and Spike was the one who loved him the most. It took me two weeks to get used to the idea of giving him up... but I will always love him :(

Oh, and we officially launched Tie-Tuesday at work! Yippee!

I also did plenty of gardening. I love digging into the earth and planting all sorts of herbs, flowers and stuff. Sabi wasn't very helpful at all - all he did was sleep and show off his cute little poses. Not helpful at all!

The Military Spouse convention was also a lot of fun in San Diego. Though I'm not really a spouse, I thought I'd go pay them a visit and try to make some new friends. Well, I didn't make any friends and a lot of the stories related to married people with kids, but I did get a lot of swag. Niki also came down to spend the weekend with me. We had dinner together and splurged on dessert. Ahh..so much fun!

In May, I flew back to Toronto to visit my relatives and see my brother. The main purpose was to renew my passport (ehm, more important!) I really missed seeing family and being in my hometown. Nothing has really changed, except for time and age.

Now, from time to time, I'd go out with my coworkers for Trivia Night at Fox and Hound. I haven't been in a while, but you basically sit around with drinks and answer trivia questions. It just so happens that most of my single coworkers were asian men - ahh, just like brothers!

If you couldn't already tell, I flew to Europe to meet with Matt. We had such a blast - if only it could have lasted longer! We visited Paris, Normandy, Bourgogne, Germany and also visited a small town called Neuenburg in honor of our friend Matt Neuenburg!

So, Jen finally got married. But before that happened, I threw here a surprise Bachelorette party in San Diego. We went on a dinner cruise and had a blast! In addition to that, I was able to get Matt to fund my new art supplies. Woohoo!

I've spent a lot of time at home, so its fair that I give credit to my kitty cats for being such great company. But, I did need to get away, so I went to Palm Springs for the night and had dinner at a nice french restaurant by myself. And, since it was all about me - I went and got a perm. You can't really tell, but I was really digging it... the curls, I mean :)

Jason T. had his birthday and we went to a Brazilian BBQ restaurant. The food was great - and Lauren finally came out of the closet that she was dating M. Pagano :)

Low and behold, my year is coming to a fantastic conclusion because Matt came home from Iraq after a long tour of duty. I surprised him by meeting him in San Diego with all of our friends and a Longhorns welcome home banner. It was the best homecoming ever!

To celebrate Matt's homecoming and my decision to leave Disney.com, I treated Lisette & Matt to a day at the Disneyland park. It was perfect to catch the Christmas parade, lighting and also fireworks. I really will never forget it! I will miss going to the park for free!

For the closing of the year, we flew to Texas and spent Christmas and New Years with family and friends. I had never been there before, so it was a blast to see what the countryside is like. I love the fresh air, cows and open land.

And... that's about it for 2007! How was yours?

2008-01-14T17:16:00.000-08:00

I found a really great cooking website and I can't wait to try out some of the recipes. Visit it if you have time!

Vegan Caesar Salad

January 9, 2008 | by Heidi

I almost spit out my cappuccino the other day when my dad told me he was reading The China Study. I think he even said the V-word. Vegan. I'm not sure why I was so surprised, the number of people wanting to explore a (more) plant-centric and less meat-focused diet/lifestyle is expanding and many people are looking for inspiration. Enter Isa Chandra Moskowitz and Terry Hope Romero (of public access television's Post Punk Kitchen) with their recently released, and much acclaimed, vegan cookbook - Veganomicon. I'm featuring their Vegan Ceasar Salad recipe today for a few reasons...

2008-01-14T17:12:00.000-08:00

Matt & I spent the weekend unpacking and organizing the garage, closets, bedroom, office, kitchen and dining room. It's been mad chaos! Well, I'm glad to report that we seem to have come to a nice end and things are starting to feel better.

Matt just started a fire, so I can't wait to enjoy it. But for now, I will have have to focus on working on my projects. Freelance work has been great for me! I have had lots of fun, exciting and high profile projects. It feels like I am working at Disney again, but the only difference is that I'm sitting at home in my pajamas. Teehee...

We've set up the office so that we both have a window view of the garden. We haven't yet decided whether it's a cat free zone yet, but we'll see with the coming days. Right now, Matt is sitting across from me pretending to work. He's got a cat on his lap, so I can't imagine how much work he's really getting done... but who am I to judge? Sabi on his lap and is dying for attention. I love them :)

2008-01-04T11:11:00.000-08:00

Matt & I have been traveling through Texas over the last few weeks. We went to visit Daddy up at the Ranch which is outside of Sonora, TX. It was nice seeing the places where Matt grew up with his family. There really isn't a whole lot on the ranch, maybe just a little trailer for Daddy to live in with his dog, Jake. We also spotted some deer blinds, which are basically porta-potty type enclosures that you can sit in to stalk deer. They have some family friends that come up during hunting season to catch deer, pigs and what have you. Matt really wanted to shoot some pigs, but we saw nothing but tracks. I'm happy that we don't have to lug a pig back home too!

We also spent Christmas at Mothers' house as well as his sisters too. Being with Matt for the holidays is the best gift I could ever ask for. Anyhow, here are some photos of our trip.. I haven't had time to rotate the images... but whatever :)

What a rush

2007-12-14T16:46:00.000-08:00

I should really title this post, 'In a rush'. I've been rushing all day picking up the house, running errands, meeting with clients and taking care of the cats that I've let my blood sugar run low. My hands are kind of shaking right now, but it's okay. I will be able to relax once I finish all my work.

Oh and i have to PACK! Pack!?! Oh geez. I guess I will have to do that after dinner. Will keep you posted later. I'm flying to Texas tomorrow morning!

2007-12-13T01:19:00.000-08:00

Oh my god, I haven't posted in a billion years! I have been keeping my self busy with lots of freelance work and catching up with clients. I am crossing my fingers and hoping that I can maintain and manage all my clients for years to come. This freelance lifestyle is great! I love being able to work at home, but it does get boring from time to time.

I procrastinated all day today. Well, not really. I had lunch with my friend Roxanne, missed a doctors appointment, tried to get some work done, but ended up in China Town with a friend for a dinner meeting. And now, I just finished doing my REAL work. Ahhhh... what fun!? It actually is pretty fun since I am sitting on the couch with the computer on my lap and three kitty cats cuddled around me. I think I've actually gone to heaven, don't you?

Life otherwise has been GREAT. I am so very happy that Matt is home. I have also stopped poking him in the face from time to time which is my way to make sure that I'm not dreaming. Our ADD (attention deficit disorder) is pretty funny because we both cannot stay focused for dear life. He is so excited to be home, constantly observing and absorbing everything around him. I am excited that he is home, and therefore am even more excited that he's observing and absorbing everything. We are like ping-pong balls that perpetually bounce back and forth from wall to wall. We're fun people to watch. (Joe Tan would agree!)

In the meanwhile, I am spending a whole four days alone without Matt because he has flown to his home state. I am here in Los Angeles catching up with clients before the holidays and making sure that my work is in order. It feels quite strange to be alone again, especially since I've enjoyed his presence so much. Yet, it also feels great to be alone again. Don't get me wrong, I love the man to bits! However, the kitty cats are grateful that their sleeping spaces on the bed are available again. I hope that they will manage to stay warm while I'm gone for the holidays. Amanda is going to be taking care of them, but I am not sure if I should leave the heat on for the cats... you know how cold it gets in California!

Random bits

2007-11-20T17:27:00.000-08:00

There's just so much that has happened and I don't think I can even write full paragraphs at this point. Life has gotten so much better now that Matt is back home. I still think that it is surreal and I simply can't believe it. I am so excited to see him around the house, in the kitchen, bathroom, bedroom - he's physically here. Just surreal!!

We had the best homecoming ever. I nearly missed his grand entrance because of some traffic driving down to San Diego. But, I got there in one piece and just enough gas to get to the airport (was running on empty!)
Our closest friends drove 2 hours to San Diego for Matt's arrival
Matt got a special greeting and welcome home from Puppy Noses - kisses and all!
On our drive home, we got lost after missing the freeway exit. Ended up near Riverside (a really big detour), but we got home in about 3 hours time. Not too bad? :)

There is nothing more that I could ever ask for. I have had the best Thanksgiving ever!

2007-11-13T19:52:00.000-08:00

I ate too many raisins at work when craving a snack. Gosh, I really shouldn't have gobbled them down by the handful. I am paying the price and my stomach is a little bit upset. I guess I will settle for some bland cabbage soup tonight.

By the way, did you know that raisins and grapes are toxic to dogs? According to Wikipedia it says, Grape and raisin toxicity in the dog is a potential health threat to dogs that have eaten grapes or raisins. It can cause the dog to develop acute renal failure (the sudden development of kidney failure) with anuria (a lack of urine production).

I'm glad I read up on that!

OMG, I'm overbooked!

2007-11-13T16:07:00.001-08:00

It's my second to last week here at Disney and guess what? I'm overbooked!!!!!!!! I can't wait to get this over with. I am ready to just be at home and relax.

By the way, on a random note, my friend Joe is single. He wants to know what your impression is of him, would you date or hang out with him? He's soft spoken, a gentleman, communicative and wait... why don't you just find out for yourself?

October babies...

2007-11-08T21:05:00.000-08:00

Aside from all the craziness, October has been a month of births. I am so happy for all of my friends and family for their new bundles of joys. Congratulations everyone! (But best of all, I'm still really stoked that Matt is on his way home!)

Special shout out to the little asian baby Gavin, my nephew :)

2007-11-08T16:55:00.000-08:00

I've never been happier.

2007-11-07T15:30:00.000-08:00

I've never been happier for being YELLED at by Matt. You might wonder why I got yelled at, but I think the better question is why am I so happy. Well, I'm super excited because I asked waaaaaaaay too many questions about his travel today. Travel? What kind of travel? Uhhhh, yeah, it's the kind where he's coming home for good!

Oh MY GOD, I can't breathe!! Matt's coming home!!!! I'm so excited!!!

PTSD

2007-11-06T17:54:00.000-08:00

I've been doing a lot of reading about homecoming celebratings, preparations and PTSD. I really don't know what to expect when Matt comes home - but the first thing that comes to mind is that I hope he doesn't hate my cats. My cats have been with me through thick and thin (mostly through thin because they run when I start crying). But regardless, they've been the ones who greet me at the door, crawl all over me when I'm sleeping and jump for food when they're starving (they don't really care about me, but that's another story).

I'm worried about a lot of other things. Will he think I'm a slob? That his house is a mess because he hasn't been here for a year, that I'm using his furniture? What if it doesn't work out? I guess I'll have to move out with my cats, which isn't a big deal since I don't have many belongings.

I don't know. I guess I don't know what to expect really. I love him so much and I'm ready to start a lifetime together. I want for this to work, but there's just so much that I am not aware of when it comes to experiences in Iraq. There are so many people who've welcomed their soldiers back from war and say that they've changed. Not only has the soldier changed, but the person back home has changed too. Counseling seems to be a big factor in helping a relationship work too, because of PTSD. I've been reading the message boards trying to scour for information, but there really isn't an expert article on "What to expect when your soldier comes home from Iraq". I did read a story from an Army wife that made me choke back tears... I hope Matt feels welcome when he comes home. I really do...

He's not been home for quite a week yet.. The changes in him are so terribly obvious to me, but no one else... We had to drive 2 hours last night so he could see his battle buddy..

He's having trouble being apart from him, so we've made plans for him to go and stay with his BB tuesday and wednesday.. I think they both need it. I've been in close contact with his BB's wifey as well... BB is having a hard time too without DH..

He hasn't slept in our bed since he's come home.. He will spend the "quality time" with me in bed, then go out to the living room to sleep in the recliner or on the couch.. He's even slept on the floor of our bedroom next to my side of the bed, I've stepped on him while going to the bathroom in the middle of the night..

He is having a very hard time adjusting to not having his weapon.. Saturday, he picked up his AR from the Panther dealership.. this is going to sound crazy, but he's done guard duty around the perimeter of our farm with his AR twice a day..

He says he's going for a "walk", but he takes his weapon with him to check the livestock and the fences.. I don't say anything.. I know what he's doing...

He has been getting up at 0600 every morning, and he goes to the kitchen... When I wake up every single cupboard is open.. I say, "Why are all the cupboard doors open?" He says, "Because I wanted to see what was inside them."

It seems like he is having a hard time comprehending the fact that he can open a cupboard door, and look at the contents and revel in fact that those contents belong to him..

He says, "See that stuff in the cupboard? IT'S MINE. That's MY stuff. Those are my coffee cups, that's my tomato soup, that's my Pyrex baking pan. I'll close the door when I'm done looking at it.."

Then he'll stand there and rearrange the contents, turn the labels out, stack the cups, close the door, go back and open the door, then rearrange it again.. He's pulled out all the tupperware, and stacked it on the kitchen floor, made towers with it, then put it back in the cupboard..

2007-11-06T11:16:00.000-08:00

Oh my god, I'm SOOOOOOOOO excited! Matt has told me that he will be traveling very very soon. I still don't know where, why or how or when, but I don't care! Traveling is GREAT!

I'm very nervous because there's still 10 million things that I have to do to prepare. I'm going to try to make a list:

~~Buy bunting cloth and make a sign for the house (Need decorating team!)~~
~~Buy yellow ribbon to tie on the trees (City of Pasadena says its okay!)~~

Stock the fridge full of yummy goodies that he likes to eat (Any chef volunteers?)
Stock the fridge with some beer? wine? I dunno
~~Hang the paintings on the walls, instead of leaving them on the floor~~
Install the mailbox pane in the livingroom (Wil's job)
~~Organize the garage~~
~~Organize the closets so he can put his clothes in it~~
~~Pull out Matt's uniform in the garage~~
~~Hang Xmas lights in the front porch (Jason will help)~~
~~Make a welcome home sign~~
~~Clean the kitty litter box! :P~~
~~Find an emergency pet sitter~~
Knit him a scarf like I promised (Lisette)
Paint a "welcome home" oil painting
... what else? more to come later.

If you can help, let me know!!!!!!!!

Lots of changes

2007-11-05T22:51:00.000-08:00

Last Friday, I finally made the decision to part ways with work. Oh, but I feel so relieved! I've had this sinking feeling in my chest for quite some time and the stress, personalities, conflicts and politics was too much. I'd rather focus on being happy and doing what I enjoy... which is none of the above! My last day of work will be on the 23rd.

Well, I also have a bit of good news too for today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Matt has started is paperwork for coming home from Iraq!!! I don't know what this means or have any specific information, but I only care that he's coming home soon. It's a little bit frustrating that I don't know where he's flying into or even WHEN, but I will have to think about that later. For now, I am going to focus on trying to make this the BEST home coming ever! I'm gonna try to come up with some ideas for signs, which is kind of challenging. I get so teary eyed when I even thinking about it!

Oh, and finally I'm happy to report that Misty is doing GREAT!! I came home to feed the kitties, laid down some kibble, wet food and meat. Sabi went to town and gobbled a lot of it down, so I had to lock him in the bedroom. When I did that, Misty ate some kibble on her own! ! I think my week is getting a LOT better :)

2007-10-25T14:09:00.000-07:00

Ugh, I've had it with jerks and idiots! Today, my boss made a few choice comments about my cat. He jokingly said that he knows of better ways to make it better right away ie: throw her off the side of the building.

"5 seconds", he said. "It'll be fast!"

Wow, why do I always end up working with insensitive jerks?

2007-10-24T23:42:00.001-07:00

I found a new military message board/website and am totally loving it!! I'm so tired of these "Army Wives" blog sites that don't consider military girlfriends. Now, at this new site I can write whatever I can (within OPSEC limitations) and not feel like I am stupid or have to read through a newbie message before being allowed privileges to write.

Check it out! http://www.militarysos.com and here's my goofy profile

she threw it all up

2007-10-21T23:37:00.000-07:00

I've been working infront of my computer all day - with the pet water dish next to me. Misty's been by my side, sleeping comfortably until I pick her up for medicine time. Ugh, I know she absolutely hates it.

She threw it all up this evening, as well as all of the food that's been sitting in her stomach today. The jaundice hasn't gotten better and probably won't get better until she starts getting food in her system. Poor thing... I feel like the worst mother ever.

2007-10-21T15:31:00.000-07:00

Why I Can't Do Yoga At Home from Starline Hodge on Vimeo.

I love this photo

2007-10-21T13:42:00.000-07:00

Little Misty went to the vet today because she hasn't been eating properly for over a week. She brought me a little present of a dead rat and half of it was missing. Hmmm.. wonder where the other half went?

The vet, who also happens to be my co-workers girlfriend, diagnosed Misty with a severe case of nausea, upset stomach as well as mild liver failure. Poor little baby will need some medications and several doses of baby food to nurse her back to health. She also had several fluid injections under the skin, causing much pain and discomfort. Ugh, I know what it feels like to be sick. Poor thing... I might have to stay home one of these days to be with her.

She's my baby.

I have the right to stand my ground.

2007-10-20T04:39:00.001-07:00

Kaeli woke me up at 4am with a hairball attack and I am now wide awake. I think she left a little pool of hairball-goo on the bed, but I haven't turned on the lights to take a look. It's still very early. The only thing I could think of doing was to lay in bed wide awake blinking at the dark ceiling or head to the living room, turn on the TV and blog.

I'm still wide awake, wishing that I could go back to sleep. But quite frankly, my brain is running pretty fast right now. I don't like it when people think that because I am Matt's girlfriend, I am automatically his spokesperson. I am not and will not be, ever. Don't make me do something I don't want to do.

Over the last 12 months of Matt's deployment, I can only name a handful of people who have sincerely asked me, "No really, how are you doing?". I cry at the thought of that because it's really sad to know that everyone only cares to ask about Matt. There is a whole other side of stress being on the home front that some easily dismiss and deny. It is so refreshing to know that there are some decent people who wholeheartedly try to understand what its like being on this side of the fence. This entire experience is constantly challenging and never-ending. I am tired of people who want a feel good answer when it comes to Matt. It's just so easy to cover up the reality of war and dismiss its challenges altogether. War isn't a neutral subject, which unfortunately includes human life and death. There are families involved, loved ones, parents, children, friends and more importantly, emotions involved.

I felt extremely uncomfortable today when someone expressed that I shouldn't be offended when I am frequently asked, "How Matt is doing? When is he coming home?" simply because I talk to him every day. There are just some things you don't know.

Did you know... that I still cry every week? I miss him so much that it hurts because I love him so much. My heart feels like something is missing, deep down inside because I come home to an empty nest and I feel lonely. It's depressing, knowing that the person you care and want to spend the rest of your life with is in Iraq - arms stretch away from harm. But you think it's easy. My cats, Sabi, Kaeli and Misty just don't replace good old human touch like big fat-grandma hugs, kisses or even back rubs. I am tired of forcing a smile on my face and being strong for my friends because I have the right to be myself. It's easy to say that you understand, but you really don't until you've stood in my shoes for a second.

What you don't know is that my heart drops every time the phone cuts dead mid-sentence, leaving me wondering if his trailer got blown up or if someone is hurt. I have to pretend not to get nervous every time Matt tells me he's gone outside the wire, because there's a fairly good chance that he could have gotten hurt. Yes, people seem to offer a sigh of relief when I tell them that he's not at the front lines, but that isn't a realistic substitute for safety. "Oh, maybe he could get pretend to have an accident and get sent home!" some people say. Wow, it ceases to amaze me.

What you don't know is that I don't know all the information and answers of his job duties, actions and where-abouts. I don't ask and he doesn't tell. It's easy to let my mind run ten-million miles an hour. When I am not on the phone with Matt, I try very hard to not let my brain wander into the treacherous territory of the "list of things that could happen if you're in Iraq". It's really not that easy, but with time I have become more numb than other people. I do have my high and low periods which make me feel bi-polar sometimes, but this just isn't how people have relationships. Our current relationship is unique, unlike other couples. Sometimes I manage to control my thoughts, while other times I am not so lucky. It's a constant battle for balance.

I have endured a lot of stress over the time of deployment and faced a lot of challenges on my own. I prefer to keep to myself, even withholding information from friends because they just don't know what to say. There are people who don't even acknowledge that Matt is in Iraq - and I respect that. I have also often heard that I need to stay strong for Matt and put on a good face, but this just doesn't work for me. Long distance relationships require a lot of trust and open-honesty. If you take that away, then there's really no point in being a relationship at all! Why lie about how you feel? But there are times that I have to lie - I pretend not to notice when the phone gets disconnected and I don't hear from him for hours on end. I pretend a lot of things - and pretending to be strong for MY friends just isn't something I want to do.

Did you know I also pretend not to notice when I hear the quiet stress in Matt's voice? I have a long list of saved messages on my cell phone from before he deployed. Sometimes I listen to all of them in a sitting over and over again when I miss him like crazy. The first couple of messages are chipper and high-energy, then gradually you start to notice the fatigue in his voice, then quiet, quieter and then just sadness. It kills me to know that the person I love sounds defeated and will come home a changed man. Every phone call, we gauge our conversations based on our initial greeting, "Hey baby". If he greets me enthusiastically, I know we're going to have a fantastic conversation. If he sounds resigned and tired, I know that something has happened and he won't want to to talk about it. During those phone calls, I pretend not to notice that something is wrong and instead offer insights to all the good things that's happened in my day. It's difficult running a conversation like that, because what DO you say when shit happens in Iraq? I don't know - my deployment manual didn't cover that topic.

I don't have a Navy-base full of friends that I can call and vent with that understand exactly how I feel. I don't know of any military counseling services that are available for free to unmarried significant others. I don't know of any other military wives that are strong enough to help me with my burden. I just don't know anything and it feel so alone and isolating sometimes.

I do know that I don't want to be Matt's fan club leader. I have survived a lot of stress and I chose not to pile more onto my lap. If you understood what it's like, then you simply wouldn't question it. I don't like how this makes me feel, but I chose to stand my ground because I have the right.

Okay on the homefront.

2007-10-14T11:15:00.001-07:00

Little Misty has been sick the last couple of days. She's barely eaten anything over the last week, to the point that I can feel her spine and hip bones. I've been worried about her. However, she's started to perk up a little bit more after I gave her some Nutri-gel. She greeted m in the shower this morning - something she hasn't done in a week. Good baby, I hope you get better soon!

PS: Sabi threw up last night. I think he ate too much. His nickname is now fattie :)

2007-10-13T23:06:00.000-07:00

lala tagged me with Jezebel Meme.

It's supposed to be really easy... but I don't have any favorite dance stories :( Matt left before I could dance with him.... I will post a Jezebel Meme another time when he gets back. I'm sure we will be dancing the nites away :)

Maybe time is what I need?

2007-10-13T21:55:00.000-07:00

Wow, what good a weekend is. Okay, well, I'm going to cut my beef short because I know that I have been complaining about work again and again. But I am going to complain for the VERY last time. I have to work this weekend because the company is short staffed - Disney, short staffed? LOL. I am going to expense my very expensive lunch tomorrow when I am working. THERE!

Okay, because I know that I will be working tomorrow, I tried very hard to make sure that I stay away from the computer. I haven't been too successful - but hey, I did other things too!!

Did you know that all the Halloween stuff is on sale at Michael's? Last week, I picked up a couple boxes of Pilsbury Halloween cupcake mix, as well as frosting with cute little orange and black funfetti. And today, I baked them! They've turned out REALLY fluffy and I am going to wait until tomorrow to put the frosting on. I also baked a loaf of pumpkin bread too! I have to admit that I cheated, because Trader Joe's has it premixed in a box :) Heh!

Well, I've accomplished a lot, but wait, I've also made chicken soup from scratch! Not some in the box recipe, but made from a whole organic chicken. I don't have any egg noodles, celery or carrots, so I will wait until tomorrow to get that. Yummmmmmmmm... this will last me a week! Do you think I can freeze it?

I also finally paid a visit to the gym. My new art director has inspired me to run - run away the frustrations she said! She's been a two time marathoner, plus an ex-fat girl. She really has inspired me to concentrate on what's important and focus on design. She tells me that when she gets angry, upset or frustrated, she runs. That's her time to sort it all out. So today, I ran and ran and ran... and ran a MILE! Trust me, it's a great accomplishment for me.

I am feeling particularly good today. Yay!

2007-10-09T16:34:00.001-07:00

I've noticed that my last few posts have been kind of downers - well, I think maybe the last 10 were downers. So, on a happier note, I was part of Disney's healthy pursuits campaign. Look who's on the front of the poster? It's me!

So close, yet so far away.

2007-10-08T21:09:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I've been feeling so scared, afraid of Matt's homecoming. This is a time for me to be happy, announce to the world that my man is coming home. YEAH! Matt is coming home! I should be overjoyed!

But, I have this fear that if I let this happiness take over... that if I let my guard down for a second... that Matt's safe homecoming will not come true, that I will jinx it.

Trust me, I want to do the homecoming banners, decorate the house, do all the cute things girlfriends are supposed to do - but I'm scared! I'm scared because I really want to start a life with Matt, I want to be together and do things that couples do. I am so in love with this man that I am scared that there is a chance he may not come home. Why am I being so stupid?

2007-10-07T19:13:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days. The kind of day where you don't want to get out of bed, much less make the bed. You end up getting up at 11:30am, mope around the house and make coffee at 2pm for a quick wake up. Yeah, I had that kind of day.

But I had hope. I didn't want to be another casualty of the weekend blues. It's 6pm and I decide to enjoy some sunshine outside of the house. I am feeling hungry, but not sure what I want to eat. The best way to find out what you're hungry for is to just drive around until you see something that you like. So, I headed to my local downtown area which is a good place to mingle and get lost in crowds of people. That's what I thought.

I casually strolled down the street, watching couples wrapped around each other, arm in arm. Friends smiling, laughing with each other, talking about boys. Girls eating frozen yogurt with their boyfriends, looking at each other wondering how the night is going to end. "Dear god," I tell myself, "I wish I had someone to laugh with."

Standing at the crosslight, I think to myself that this is what it must feel like for military women, trying to maintain a normal, happy life while keeping negative thoughts about their sons, husbands, fiancés or boyfriends in Iraq. Matt is in transit, traveling for a little bit of R&R thereby causing me a little bit of stress. I think, "There are men fighting for our freedom, while everyone walks around in the US like there is no war. Innocent-looking people oblivious to the danger our fellow friends put themselves in, eating, enjoying the night as if there is no bloodshed, no death, no suffering. Why? How? Don't they know?" The light turns green and the little walking man indicates that I should start walking. My body heats up, flushed burning with an internal fire. My arms crossed, I can feel sweat building up in my fists and my face burning with a fever. My heart races, palpitations. "No," I tell myself, "Not here, not now."

I see a cooking store and walk in to avoid dealing with myself. Perhaps pretty looking things will distract me from reality for a few moments. The yellow Tuscan bowls are so beautiful. I see pots, pans, cooking utensils, glasses, cups, things that I would love to use but wished I could share with Matt. But he's not home yet... soon, very soon. We could be cooking together in the kitchen, experimenting with new recipes and ideas. I miss him. Soo much that I can feel the pressure building up in my eyes. "No, not here!" I tell myself again. A sales person asks me if I need any help, I quietly shake my head and keep my head low down to avoid eye contact.

I really miss having family around, someone to talk to, someone to hug and bury my face when I need to cry. I miss having someone that I can just call who understands military life. Where are MY people? There aren't any support groups where I live, there never has been. But for now, I have some four legged babies who bring me dead rats with no head (That was SO last night). But I still miss Matt. He's supposed to be home soon, but this is really killing me. Can't we just get this over with now so that we can go on with our lives together? Happily ever after? Please?

I hold my breathe and dash back to the parking lot while the pressure is starting to build up in my chest. My legs feel weak. I can't breathe. There are a lot of people around me, couples, arm in arm, hugging, kissing... ugh, I dash to my car. And all of a sudden, there I am leaving the parking lot. I drive out into the dark evening and finally release a sob, only loud enough for me to hear.

And without food...

Where's the respect?

2007-10-03T18:01:00.000-07:00

I've started to wrap my head around Matt's eventual homecoming. There's so much that I need to do before he comes home, it's unbelievable. Okay, maybe I'm just over exaggerating, but it's quite a bit of work I'd say! But, what I've noticed more over the past week is how anxious and excited I am for his return. When I log on to CNN.com, my eyes are immediately drawn to soldier related articles, especially about those who are being deployed or returning home.

Today, I read an article about a soldier who's wife may not be here in the US when he returns from Iraq. Her immigration situation has turned against her, causing voluntary or forced deportation. This causes grief and worry for the poor soldier who's being deployed, because he doesn't know who's going to care for his son. Argh, why can't immigration sort out their deal already?

I also read about some Marines who received a cold welcome back from Iraq at the Oakland Airport. They were forced to stay 400 yards away from the terminal (couldn't even get INTO the airport) near the baggage trailers. And this is how you greet soldiers who fight for your safety? What kind of BS is this?!?!?!

These types of situations infuriate me. While I'm happy that many soldiers are fighting for ... whatever it is... I think that they all deserve a high level of respect for putting themselves, their families, friends and loved ones at risk.

Risk? What risk? Well, let's see. You risk having your heart broken when someone comes home dead. You risk being threatened by terrorists who find your home address on a letter your wife sent you. You risk losing a brother, sister, husband, wife or child overseas.

Where's the respect?

Pure insanity!

2007-09-30T12:43:00.001-07:00

OMG, learn how to make your own cat toy! Hiliarious!!!

A lump in my throat.

2007-09-28T21:37:00.000-07:00

I've spent the last couple days pouring over a book called "Dear John", by Nicholas Sparks. I've seen this book at the bookstore several times, and finally picked it up at the library this past weekend. I have not been able to put it down, even read it in the morning before work.

The story is about a man and a woman who meet. The man (John), a young soldier, meets this girl (Savannah) during his 2 week leave from duty in Germany. They unexpectedly fall head over heels very quickly, vowing to wait for each other until he comes home for good in two years. Then, 9/11 happens.

There are a range of emotions in this book that I relate to, many of them are the fears, sadness and struggles Savannah experiences. I can also see how Matt can relate to his experiences of being in Iraq - the violence, rage, the numbness a lot of soldiers go through in a war zone.

If you want to understand what it's like for Matt & I during his deployment to Iraq, I highly recommend reading this book. I won't fault you for not reading it, but it's important to me to share this with you.

"Do you remember when I told you that I draw strength from being with you?"

When I nodded, she skated her fingers along my chest. "I wasn't kidding about that. Last summer meant so much to me. More than you can ever imagine, and when you left, I was a wreck. Ask Tim. I barely worked on the houses. I know I sent you letters that made you think that all was wel and good, but it wasn't. I cried every night, and every day I'd sit at the house and keep imagining and hoping and wishing that you'd come strolling up the beach. Everytime I saw someone with a crew cut, I'd feel my heart start beating faster, even though I know it wasn't you. But that was the thing. I wanted it to be you. Every time. I know that what you do is important, and I understand that you're posted overseas, but I don't think I understood how hard it was going to be once you weren't around. It seemed like it was almost killing me, and it took a long time to even begin to feel normal again. And on this trip, as much as I wanted to see you, as much as I love you, there's a part of me that's terrified that I'm going to go to pieces again when our time is up. I'm being pulled in two directions, and my response was to do anything I could so I wouldn't have to go through what I did last year. So I tried to keep busy, you know? To keep my heart from being broken again."

- "Dear John" by Nicholas Sparks

2007-09-27T17:35:00.000-07:00

"I'll Find A Way" Rachel Yamagata

I'll find a way to see you again
I'll find a way to see you again

I used to think that anything I'd do
Wouldn't matter at all anyway
But now I find that when it comes to you
I'm the winner of cards I can't play
Wait for me, wait for me
Darling, I need you desperately, desperately here

And I'll find a way to see you again
And I'll find a way to see you again

The rain is like an orchestra to me
Little gifts from above meant to say
Girl, you falling at his feet
Isn't lovely or stunning today
Wait with me, wait with me
I'm alive when you're here with me, here with me, stay

And I'll find a way to see you again
And I'll find a way to see you again

Why do the street lamps die
When you're passing by
Like a hand that won't stay on my shoulder tonight
If you held me close, would you laugh it away
Would you dare the glance that I steal to stay

And I'll find a way to see you again
Yes, I'll find a way to see you again
I'll find a way, a way, a way to see you again
I'll find a way, a way, a way to see you again
I'll find a way, a way, a way to see you again
The rain will bring, the rain will bring, the rain will bring, bring, bring me down
The rain will bring, the rain will bring, the rain will bring, bring, bring me down
The rain will bring, the rain will bring, the rain will bring, bring, bring me down

Watch the music video here.

I'm warning you.

2007-09-27T12:15:00.000-07:00

The next person who asks me, "When is Matt coming home?" is going to get bitch slapped. Seriously.

Just the thought.

2007-09-24T21:50:00.000-07:00

It's so hard to believe that Matt will be coming home in a few months. It's not certain when he's coming back, but it's simply unbelievable. Has it really been that long? Wow.

Matt's been sending home boxes of his belongings and starting to downsize his little closet in the hooch. He talks about what he wants to do when he comes home, just relax, go to his favorite restaurants, eat real food and beer, talk to normal people. Quite frankly, I can't wait either. Time has really flown by so quickly that I still can not believe this is all coming true. A few months?? Are you kidding me??

I have been warned not to get my hopes up for any specific date, so I casually shrug it off. But every now and then, my heart skips a beat because I am so excited that I will be able to come home and see Matt. He might be sitting on the couch, or taking a nap. He might be watching TV or cooking dinner (which he hasn't done in a year!!!). My heart skips a beat for every thought that I will be able to fall asleep in his arms and hug him tightly.

I get emotional and teary eyed just by the thought of our first hug, kiss, and this well deserved reunion. But the army is unpredictable. I am so very excited, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I should know because we've had way too many hiccups. I'm ready. Hang on, I need to get a tissue to wipe a tear...

40% more? No, I think more.

2007-09-21T18:49:00.000-07:00

Adventure: Today has definitely been the most interesting in a while. I took my car into the shop this morning and was very excited to take the bus home. The last time I took a bus was nearly 9 years ago when I was in college. Wow, taking the bus feels like an adventure in its own!

As soon as I stepped on the bus, I quickly jammed all my coins into the slot machine to avoid holdup. Then I realized the bold writing below it that said, "Enter each coin one at a time." Ooops, no wonder it didn't go in! I didn't want to look like a newbie, so I reshuffled the coins and let them drop one by one. Duhh. I also brought a book along for the ride, but ended up staring at all the familiar buildings I drive by on a regular basis. It's interesting what you notice when you're the passenger. There was so much to see and explore! I was so happy about taking the bus that I'm eager to do it again! How about taking the bus to work? Anyone else want to go with me? Matt?

Me : "Baby, can we take the bus for a ride when you get home? We can go anywhere! Can we? Can we?"
Matt : "Uuuhhh.. . it depends on where we go"
Me : "Oh! Okay!"

Anyway, at 5:30pm my mechanic calls me and tells me that there is nothing wrong with my car. He took everything apart and found nothing wrong. Hmmm.. well, its still squeaking. So, I look at the online bus schedule and quickly make my way to the nearest bus stop and wait. No bus. However, in the short 20 minutes I was waiting on the green bench, I managed to unknowingly attract 2 people who wanted to offer me a ride or talk. The later person, I think, drove by, saw me, parked and walked 100 feet down the street to talk. Wow, what motivation.

Weird bus stop stalker guy (WBSSG) : "Mind if I sit on the bench with you?"
Me : "Sure, its a free bench, sit wherever you like!"
WBSSG : "I was driving by and I think I've seen you at the bus stop twice this week, just wanted to say hello"
Me : "Errrrr... you must be mistaken. I rarely take the bus"
WBSSG : "Ummm (busted look on his face) .. oh, that's strange. So, uhh.. (quick change of subject), what do you do?"
Me : "I'm a web designer"
WBSSG : "Oh, what a coincidence, we work in the same field. I'm a database engineer ... blah blah blah blah blah blah Glendale blah blah blah blah Pasadena blah blah blah blah blah Altadena blah blah blah"
Me : (I cut him short) "So, why are you on this street?"
WBSSG : "Oh uhhh..." I forget his exact response, but it was some really lame answer about an open house on this street that he visited. Come on, 6pm at night?? Can I say L-A-M-E-R?
Me : "Oh, why here's my bus! Thanks for keeping me company. Gotta go."
WBSSG : Continues sitting there like an idiot until the bus disappears in the distance.

Oh, snap!

So, needless to say, I realize that this new hair do has supernatural powers. It attracts attention and makes people get out of their car to talk to me. SCARY freaky! It frightens me that it attracts this much attention, but again, I'm smiling silly inside. Yeah, it feels good knowing that people are checking me out. However, I really don't care for people who actually approach me because I like my privacy. So, leave me alone! Talk about mixed messages, huh?

Conclusion: While the bus ride was fun, I think I'll stick to driving for now.
Baby, this is also why I don't go to the gym!

Due to positive response...

2007-09-21T15:43:00.000-07:00

I really wasn't sure if I had made the right choice about getting a perm. However, I've received several comments about my hair, and was even told that it made me 40% hotter than I was before. So... I guess I made a good move afterall! I'm starting to get the hang of letting my hair dry naturally, as well as using creme & gel to keep my hair shiny. It's not easy looking good!

The only downside is that Matt isn't here to check it out himself. Oh well, he'll just have to wait until he gets home. (Boo hoo for you, Matt!) Without further a-doo, I present to you my new hair-doo!

Brrrr...

2007-09-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

Summer has definitely left and fall has landed. I woke up this morning to fresh, crisp air lingering in the house. I hate being cold as do the kitties too. Tiptoed to the bathroom, showered, washed my newly permed hair and added a tab of gel. Gosh, I don't recall permed hair being this demanding. I guess maybe I should have thought this through a little bit better. Nonetheless, it will only last 2-3 months and I will have my long straight hair again.

Misty greeted me in the shower, perched nicely on the ledge of the bathtub between the curtains. As soon as I toweled off, she demanded a big koala bear hug. Nope, she wouldn't leave without it. Nestled her head in the curve of my neck and purred. Oh silly bunny, you're too cute.

Made a dash back to the bedroom, dressed and turned off the lights. Bye little kitties, you don't need lights during the day. Grabbed my keys and pursed, walked outside.

It had rained.

2007-09-17T15:02:00.000-07:00

Hi Rachel,
Thanks for reading my blog! I'm sure you already know this, but being a military girlfriend isn't all that easy. It will always take work to balance life, work and then *drumroll* the military.

You get nervous, anxious, annoyed and frustrated. But all of this gets easier with time. And, with all this free time on my hands, it sure goes by fast! Adjusting to being alone is easier said than done. It honestly took me about 3-5 months to feel comfortable with myself. Yes, I worry about Matt being in Iraq but there is nothing that I can possibly do to make him feel better (other than sending care packages!)

My advice would be to fill your time with friends and family. But don't forget to schedule some "ME" time. This is very important. You must learn to be independent and be strong for your man. You just have to learn to take care of yourself and be self sufficient!

Again, easier said than done :) Best of luck! mowie

Rachael said...

This is really random and you don't know me, i was just searching for army girldriends blog online. How long will your boyfriend be in Iraq? My boyfriend is in the army, but luckily has not been sent to Iraq yet. How do you deal without being able to see him or talk to him? I am dreading when his unit gets deployed. He keeps telling me it is not if he gets deployed it it is when will he get deployed. Goodluck to your guy in Iraq, i hope he is able to come home soon.

Please stop asking me..

2007-09-14T17:56:00.000-07:00

I'm too chicken to tell you, but I need you to stop asking me when Matt is coming home. If you really want to know, please ask him! I am his girlfriend, not his secretary...

And if you really did care about his health, wellbeing and safe return, you'd already know this information because you keep in touch with him. But you don't! Just because you ask me when he's coming back doesn't mean that you're automatically keeping in touch. It's really just a cop-out, half ass attempt to stay in touch. I am not your support group leader, I am an actual human being too. I have emotions - do you ask me how I'm doing? Matt is just an email away, which I've given you before. So, either reach out to him to find out or do something else... but please don't ask me when he's coming home.

I will just tell you I DON'T KNOW!

I'm in love!

2007-09-14T16:48:00.001-07:00

Palm Springs, here I come!

2007-09-13T17:07:00.001-07:00

My best friend Jen got married this past weekend and it turned out to be a huge success. Everything went well as planned, but it proved to be too much for me!!!! Thus, I am going on a short trip this weekend for a getaway.

I have since booked myself a room for one night and already planned out which restaurant I will be dining at. If you're interested, I will be eating at Pomme Frite. Most often, I am a solo diner. What that means is that I will go by myself, eat alone and enjoy great food without having to share with anybody. I get strange looks every now and then, but it only adds to my satisfaction knowing that people are more curious about me than it really seems to be. What can I say? I like attention!

This weekend will be nothing but self indulgence, discovery and adventure. I can't wait to wake up whenever I want to, eat when I want to and just bake under the sun by the pool with trashy magazines. Oh, I can't wait!!

I wonder how your dad feels about your behavior.

2007-09-06T00:12:00.000-07:00

My ex wrote me a pretty nasty email (just like all the other ones). I'm not sure why he spends so much time writing to me, since he keeps trying to convince me to stay out of his life. I guess, I'm don't why and how people can stay so angry. This is precisely why I am no longer with him. There is no point spending your life with someone who is negative, angry and pessimistic. Life is short lived, there are no guarantees.

As despicable as you think of your mother, have you taken a look in the mirror lately? If there is karma in this world, I am putting my money on you ending up broke, lonely, miserable, going from man to man, sucking them dry just like your mother. I wonder how your dad feels about your behavior. Hope you can live with yourself. Having seen this evil side of you, I can say with sincerity "thank you for getting the hell out of my life." I can honestly say that I didn't have any ill feeling towards you despite all your bullshit until now.

Believe or not, my life stopped revolving around you a long time ago.

I just wish that all of this would go away soon. It's very draining and exhausting. I've spent the last 9 years of my life dealing with this type of attitude and I didn't see it until 2 years ago. What in the world was I thinking? Oh, and if my life stopped revolving around his then why did he write me a 3 page email to tell me what a scum I am? Truly means that he has not dealt with his anger issues!

My Chinese Horoscope - Dragon!

2007-09-05T23:03:00.000-07:00

I am a FIRE DRAGON!

Brief Description
Dragons are witty, enthusiastic, popular, intelligent and gifted yet are also perfectionists.

Positive Traits
vibrant, magnanimous, charismatic, principled, self-sufficient, discriminating, compelling, sentimental, accomplished, noble-hearted, healthy and prodigiously shrewd

Negative Traits
bombastic, dissatisfied, ruthless, demanding, opinionated, mawkish, egocentric, defensive, power-mad, foolhardy, willful and pompous

General Description of All Dragons
The key to the Dragon personality is that Dragons are the free spirits of the Zodiac. Conformation is a Dragon's curse. Rules and regulations are made for other people. Restrictions blow out the creative spark that is ready to flame into life. Dragons must be free and uninhibited. The Dragon is a beautiful creature, colorful and flamboyant. An extroverted bundle of energy, gifted and utterly irrepressible, everything Dragons do is on a grand scale - big ideas, ornate gestures, extreme ambitions. However, this behavior is natural and isn't meant for show. Because they are confident, fearless in the face of challenge, they are almost inevitably successful. Dragons usually make it to the top. However, Dragon people be aware of their natures. Too much enthusiasm can leave them tired and unfulfilled. Even though they are willing to aid when necessary, their pride can often impede them from accepting the same kind of help from others. Dragons' generous personalities give them the ability to attract friends, but they can be rather solitary people at heart. A Dragon's self-sufficiency can mean that he or she has no need for close bonds with other people.

Detailed Description of The Fire Dragon
The Fire Dragon is a powerful force to be reckoned with. This is a Dragon doubled! The Fire Dragon can move from calm and collected to combustible in a matter of seconds. In some ways the Fire Dragon is his or her own worst enemy. These Dragons cannot help feeling they are valuable and all-knowing. When they are right their vehemence and vigor is an asset to the cause, and though they value objectivity, they do not always employ the best decision-making measures, and sometimes jump to the wrong conclusion. They also suffer from recklessness and quick tempers. Yet, when they do keep their temper, emotions, and rivaling spirit under control, they emanate a commanding influence on other people.

Itching around my neck

2007-09-05T12:24:00.000-07:00

I've developed a rash around my neck over the past 2 days. At first, I thought that maybe I had been bitten by a mosquito, but it has been itching all around my neck area. I can't figure it out! Maybe Dr. Wu can diagnose me.

Speaking of Dr. Wu, she is my acupuncturist in Alhambra, CA. I drove by her office last month and found nothing but a pile of rubble that used to be her office, a restaurant, chinese herb store, and bakery. Just rubble. Turns out that an electrical fire occurred in the basement of the bakery and took the whole building with it. How sad...

Now, Dr. Wu is located in San Gabriel, CA. She was lucky enough to be able to find some space at a chinese herb store, rent free! Her client list is enough to increase sales. There is such thing as a win-win situation! :)

Poor Cricket

2007-09-04T22:26:00.000-07:00

Last night, Misty brought home a grasshopper for me as a present. Too bad it was alive, because it scared the crap out of me! I had no choice but to hide behind a door and offer praise, "Good girl, Misty!! Mommy thanks you for the yummy cricket!!"

Well, Mr. Sabi decided to come in and finish off the poor cricket. Yes, he played with it for a while then chewed off one leg. Then he decided to play hockey with it for a few minutes, then ate the other leg. Next thing you know, he's chomping on the... crunch, crunch, crunch... body. Poor cricket.

This is my definition of yummy. (It's apple strudel with strawberry cream sauce) Or, would you prefer cricket a là carte?

Naked people.

2007-09-04T22:14:00.000-07:00

I came home today and while closing my window, randomly saw some people in the house next door. I make big mention of this because there was 2 naked people in a bathtub. Don't ask me why I was looking, because they just happened to be in my line of vision. What's funny is that the house has been empty for nearly 10 months. All of a sudden, I see naked people. Strange!

Yesterday, I watched Shaun of the Dead and I saw dead people! Scary!

Anyhoo, I'm having a serious craving for Mr-Matt-Big-Hug-Arms-Wrapped-Around-Me. I'm sitting here working on my friends website, finishing off a big bottle of Lambic Framboise all by myself. It's soooo refreshing and yummy. I can't believe they sell this stuff at Trader Joe's!

And, on top of today's random post... isn't he hot???? Only 3.5 more months to go. And when he comes back, he's all mine. Mine, mine, mine!!!!! :)

A Song

2007-09-01T22:32:00.000-07:00

Not that I'm sad or anything, but I really do love this song. Ok well, I guess I am just missing Matt a lot on this quiet Saturday night.

Artist: Marketa Iglova & Glen Hansard
Song: If You Want Me

Are you really here or am I dreaming
I can’t tell dreams from truth
For it’s been so long since I have seen you
I can hardly remember your face anymore
When I get really lonely and the distance calls its only silence
I think of you smiling with pride in your eyes a lover that sighs

You can listen to it here: http://www.foxsearchlight.com/once/

Incoming.

2007-08-30T12:05:00.000-07:00

I rarely talk about Matt's deployment for gawd knows why. Maybe its because I don't want people to know that I used to cry hysterically because I missed him so much, or maybe its because I've become so dulled to the idea of him being gone. Regardless, Matt is a HUGE part of my life even though he's over in Iraq.

I'm very fortunate to get to talk to Matt almost every day. Somehow, my nights don't seem completely until I leave talk or leave him a voice message to say "Good night", or "I miss you". Saying these little things makes the days go by easier as if he's here by my side. Of course, if he was by my side I'd also get a lot more help with the house work! Just kidding. Matt has not seen his house in 10 months, going on 11. I've since done a lot of gardening and pulled his furniture out of storage for my comfort. Yes, my comfort :) He's also hasn't lived with indoor cats, so this will definitely be an interesting homecoming in a few months.

Our conversations aren't usually too interesting or fulfilling if either of us in the office. Understandably, we have to limit our hunky dorey talk in the presence of other coworkers! The interesting thing is that I am no longer phased when our conversations are cut short. Sometimes they are cut short due to people coming by to request work, but other times they are cut short due to incoming rounds. It usually ends like this, "Oh, I have to go now. Bye". Click.

An incoming round refers to explosive devices flying into covered areas where personnel are present. In the beginning, incoming rounds scared the crap out of me. I didn't know what to think or do, so I would simply sit and keep myself busy until I would hear from Matt again. I don't think I've ever rocked back and forth due to nervousness, but it does get nerve wrecking. It's happened more times than I can remember since he's left and now they really don't phase me. Matt doesn't seem too concerned about incoming rounds now, because there's really nothing to do or nowhere to go if they're coming in. All you hear is the sound of flying devices, but you have no idea where they are going to land. Why worry if you can't do anything about it?

This morning our conversation was cut short by incoming rounds. I quickly said, "OK, bye" and hung up, took the elevator back up to my office, smiled at all the people who walked by me and sat at my desk to do some more work. Interesting, you think I would have acted differently, but it's almost normal now. Strange, huh? Luckily, Matt called me back 15 minutes later. I had already preoccupied myself with some mundane design work and forgot why he had to hang up so abruptly. I guess once you're desensitized, it doesn't really help to worry!

Speaking of homecoming, Tara's soldier came home!! It was his first time seeing his newborn baby, wife and daughter in 9 months. Go read her story, its tear jerking!!

2007-08-30T10:51:00.001-07:00

If I look at the mouse one more time, I think I'm going to hurl.

Only if you really love them.

2007-08-28T09:37:00.000-07:00

I had a chat with Mr. Sabi via an animal communicator named, Dexter. Sabi's been acting strangely and I think the stray cat outside has spooked him. If anything, I just wanted to see what's on his mind and find out if mommy makes him happy.

She said, "Sabi seems to have some respect/status issues in terms of his relationship with the others... and that Kaeli sleeps in his spot. He also asks where Spike is" :(

"Also Sabi says you have too much going on up there (your mind) [ ..and ] He shows me you with a pensive face."

Oh man... I didn't realize how much I affected you, Mr. Sabi! I've had a lot on my mind lately and I am just starting to get it all sorted out. I have changed my attitude at work, focusing more on myself. My sleep, though unstable, is becoming somewhat manageable, which reminds me I have to call the Doc. I have been spending more time with the kitties, showering them with kisses, hugs and squeezes. Oh, how I love them little furbutts! If only I could stay home all day and shower you with my loveeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Ooops. I published this post without telling you about what I wanted to write about. Seem that Mr. Sabi also wants his own litter box - a little bit of privacy, if you know what I mean. I have to tell you, I'm not a big fan of regular litter boxes with little scoopy scoops. I hate scooping poop. It just doesn't exist in my vocabulary. But, if the little man wants his own box, then he's going to get it. And mommy isn't going to get some ugly little red plastic bucket. So, this is what I got...

It's cute, right? I can put it in the corner with the opening facing the wall. Nobody will notice, not even guests! This product is fantabulous!!!

2007-08-27T16:57:00.000-07:00

Heather N. on Loving A Soldier. Living The Life. wrote about how pathetic it feels for her hubby to be gone after having him home for R&R. I can totally relate because I've only spent the last 4 weeks trying to readapt! It isn't fun at all! She wrote:

His last morning here we had to be at the airport early so I ran to McDonalds and brought home breakfast for everyone. We wanted to sit down and enjoy this last meal together (for a while).
After a heart wrenching time at the airport---try explaining the temporary nature of R&R to a 2 year old who just wants his Daddy....."please"---we came back home. Sitting on the dining room table was the McDonald's cup that had my husband's orange juice in it. I started to throw it away, but stopped. I realized that even though he already seemed a million miles away....just hours earlier his lips had been on that straw. So what did I do? OK, you guessed it..... I kept the straw.

And...what's more I have been using it. My morning milk.....my water......grape juice.....diet coke.....iced tea.....I have drank it all with a big ol' stripe-ity (a Tigger word) McDonald's straw. I have told my boys to NOT throw the straw away.

I can totally relate to what she feels by doing little things to remind us of their presence. Just over a year ago, Matt offered for me to rent his house, furniture and all. Sure, it'd be perfect for me - someone who doesn't have a roof, furniture, much belongings.. or even a place to belong to. But I declined it because I didn't think I could bare to live in a house with all of HIS belongings and no Matt. I would dread coming home to see photos, letters, memorabilia, clothes, shoes, or anything of his which could spiral me into hysteria over missing him. And I'm glad I did that.

This weekend, I had friends come over to help me unpack Matt's storage containers. My roommate had moved out and I had absolutely nothing in the house (Matt's house). The storage deliver guy even asked me if Matt was home already, because he remembered dropping off the containers. He was so genuine in telling me that he was still praying for Matt and he felt a little bit better after I told him that he has a few more months to go. I simply can't wait!

Unloading Matt's furniture wasn't as traumatic as I thought it would be. I really am not familiar with his belongings, so I opted to take out the big items such as the couch, cabinets, kitchen supplies and his mission style bed (It's a REALLY nice bed too!) I can't wait for the day until he comes home. Until now, I will try to remember what it feels like to sit on his couch with him holding my hand, watching TV. Ah... only time..

Insomnia

2007-08-27T09:53:00.000-07:00

I clearly have not been getting enough sleep this past weekend. Woke up this morning, drowsy and dazed, then left the house with my lunch on the counter and cellphone in the bedroom. I now have no lunch and no cellphone.

What's wrong with me?

Mariah Carey

2007-08-23T12:39:00.000-07:00

Today, a friend of mine referred to me as the Mariah Carey of all his friends. What? I'm not fat! I'm not needy! I'm not high maintenance! But what he was kindly referring to, was the fact that I am someone who could benefit from having an assistant. Still doesn't make sense? Well, it doesn't quite make sense to me either.

Seems I have a bad habit of eating what I want. You see, this friend of mine is also a fitness buff. His meals are high in protein, low in fat. He works out and goes to yoga on a regular basis. XL tshirts are too small because his arms are so big!

But, Mariah Carey of all his friends???? Come on! I have switched my diet to consist of fresh vegetables, fruits and juices. I haven't had soda in a long time, as well as chips. Oh, how I love chips.... nevermind.

2007-08-21T19:55:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I've mentioned that my roommate moved out the week after I returned from Europe. She also took all the furniture in the house with her, mostly the living room. All the beautiful sofas, cabinets and accent tables belonged to her. So, in honor of her I have created a list of all the things I've done with no furniture and no roommate:

Watched 4 episodes of "Army Wives" back to back on a lawn chair in an empty living room while eating a plain baguette
Spent more time in the kitchen and my bedroom, which also means more alone time
Finished reading the book, "The Memory Keeper's Daughter"
Since I spend more time in the kitchen, I cook & boil soup with my rice pot on the stove. I have no pots!
Washed my vegetables in a crock pot
Slid around the wood floors from one end of the house to another without stumbling over imaginary furniture
Planted my butt, computer, remote controls and food infront of the TV at a patio table and lawn chairs. My butt goes on the lawn chair
Paraded around the house in my underwear
Mopped the floors twice
and... took over my roommates' old room and transformed it into an art studio/office!

Volunteering Abroad?

2007-08-21T12:41:00.000-07:00

I now begin to blog after a scrumptious lunch at my desk. See photo for a peek into my life in a cubicle aka cubic-hell. Is this what my life has to offer??? Lunch infront of my dual monitors? Oh COME ON! After much soul searching, blabbing and lots of words in my head, I have started to realize that volunteer work is a very big part of my integrated life (which I have not done in a long time). I do it for altruistic reasons. Being the change satisfies my hunger for making a difference in the world. No matter how big or small a volunteer act may be, they still count towards a greater good. Fact is, I love helping people. If only I could be paid to volunteer, pay my rent, care for my cats and feed myself.

Last week, I went to Many Paths bookstore on Lankershim and came across a book called, "Volunteer Vacations". It seemed interesting, but not enough for me to buy it. Today, I started surfing Amazon.com and came across a few books titled, "Volunteer Abroad", which lead me to a website called "IFRE" or "Institute for Field Research Expeditions". What this really institute has to offer is a series of programs in different countries that allow for people to spend their time volunteering in local villages, while experiencing life as a local. On their website, it states "The mission of our program is to offer meaningful volunteer abroad opportunities and to seek sustainable solutions for education, health, conservation efforts and development issues through international volunteering."

Wow, I hear them calling my name already! They have a program in Nepal where you can teach children English. Not only that, they offer one week of language and cultural orientation/immersion. I've always wanted to work with children, but can't seem to find anything that peaks my interest. Therefore, this program seems very attractive to me!

Volunteers responsibilities: As a volunteer in the orphanage project in Nepal , you will teach English (3-4 hours a day) in the orphanage or school (when the kids go to schools during the day). You will help kids to stay clean by helping them in brushing teeth, shower, and personal hygiene. In free time, mostly in evening, you organize games, drawing, singing, dancing, and other creative education and extra curricular activities. In the evening time, you will help kids to do homework, monitor academic progress, and make sure kids complete next day's homework. If you do not want to teach in the school during day time, then you can offer to take care of the children who stay at the orphanage (who can not go to school). Your help is also expected in dressing of kids, food distribution, kitchen, garden, cleaning and administrative work.

Sounds easy to me! In addition to Nepal, they also have an English program in China that is actually paid. You are paid to teach English to Chinese students in schools across the country who can't afford to hire real teachers. Volunteer durations range from 4 months to a year. Unpaid volunteer positions range from 2 weeks to a year. Both programs include free room/board with the schools as well as 3 meals a day.

I have to admit, I really don't know much about China other than enjoying dimsum and being yellow skinned with black hair. I understand the culture, but much of it has been influenced by western culture stemming from my days living in Hong Kong. I am a bit curious to know what it would be like if I lived in a small village outside of a major city in China.

So, now that I've found interests... any volunteers to watch my cats? :) PS: Here is another resource for volunteer opportunities abroad http://www.volunteerabroad.com/

2007-08-19T10:42:00.001-07:00

I was feeling kind of blue earlier this week and decided at the last minute to stay home for the weekend. Months ago, I had planned on heading up to Stockton for Jen & Herman's Chinese wedding reception. I regret cancelling, but I think I made a good choice in staying behind instead.

All I needed was some time alone to unwind, gather my thoughts and just feel in tune with myself. I seemed to have lost my voice, confidence and self esteem. Ugh, I hate that feeling. Maybe its because I am trying to readjust after my vacation, or work. Who knows... but there has also been some tension with Matt & I because of my frustrations with work, so it was also best that I get myself sorted out to avoid creating a bigger problem altogether.

From what I've learned about myself this weekend - Fear is greater than any task alone. I have not painted in the last 15 years due to fear of failure. If you think about it, there really shouldn't be any fear about painting because they're all subject to interpretation, but for what its worth... I've been afraid for the last 15 years because of what my mom said to me.

In high school, my pastel landscape painting won first place in our school art contest. I was so proud, eager to show off. But, my mother took one look at it and said, "That's it? This one first place?" You can only imagine how hard my heart dropped when she said that. It was a big THUD all the way down through the basement, into the deepest levels of hell. Ouch. Anyway, I painted this weekend. I'm exhilarated, but I am still trying to relearn the tricks and techniques that I learned so long ago. Trial and error will be my best friend. Best yet, there is nobody to judge me.

I also learned this weekend that I very much miss volunteering my time for greater causes (other than building websites at Disney that don't really save lives). A friend and I talked for 15 minutes at Starbucks while on break from work. We both discovered that we are feeling a sense of dissatisfaction in our jobs, which makes us question what really matters. She has some opportunities to create programs that will benefit a local hospital in her area, but she is afraid that the jump will significantly reduce her income. (Boy, it must be the topic of the month!) Our conversation put such a smile in my heart that I will look into more volunteer opportunities to expand the soul.

My last non-profit was Sante D'Or. I faced many challenges during that part of my life, juggling a failing marriage, work and non-profit work (full time). I wished that I didn't have to leave. But as life goes on, it was survival of the fittest and I had to politely bowed out. One of the board members is also part of the Downtown Women's Group in LA, so I offered to donate 3 brand name dress suits to women who need help getting started in the work force. I bought them nearly 2 years ago while I worked at Visalus. Well, at least they won't be sitting in my closet anymore.

What else... Oh, I went to the gym today too! Maybe I should watch "How Stella got her groove back". Oh wait a minute, that's a movie about getting her sexuality back! I don't need that! I have Matt!

The money question.

2007-08-15T18:50:00.000-07:00

We live in a society where most everyone works to make money, not because they enjoy working. We all work long hours, hoping that it will pay off in the end. For some, it does and for others, not so fortunate. And, there are those people who are lucky enough to find balance in making money doing what they enjoy. I have been fortunate enough to have worked Fortune 500 companies for the last 10 years, but my satisfaction level has greatly depreciated. It makes me despise money because 10 years has passed and my personal growth is limited. My challenge is that I struggle to find balance between making money and life itself.

I have money, but I feel guilty using it when I could be creating more wealth for myself and future family. Sure, I won't deny that I enjoy spending a little more money than usual for little luxuries in life (yes, I bought a $2 pain au chocolat today) but I wonder, what is it about money that keeps the world going? What role does money play in a world with those who seek spiritual and self growth?

Is life really about making money to pursue dreams? Or, should we pursue dreams that allow us to make money? I am at a cross roads point in my life where I frightened that I don't know if I care enough to stay at a job that provides no satisfaction or time for spiritual growth. This affects me and my ability/desire to create income. Spending money feels great, making it... well, not so great because I feel bound. I feel a tinge of resentment for money.

Is it true that when you pursue your dreams, money will follow? Where do you find balance in creating wealth and life itself?

Oh, I wish I could quit you.

2007-08-14T19:31:00.000-07:00

I have a love hate relationship with my job at DIG. I'm sure you could have figured it out by now. I am simply not happy with whom I've become, let alone be happy. Period. As per Matts' observation, I have become whiny and depressed. So how do I get out of this rut? Well, the universe has made it very easy for me to decide.

I was surely in love with DIG a few months ago. I yearned to overachieve because my efforts made a difference and it made me feel like a superstar. Then one day, I was thrown into a hodge podge of mismanagement and politics, leaving me with nothing more than an itch on my head.

At first I interviewed for an Associate Art Director position. I got two thumbs up from the VP and Director, but it fell through. Then, I was told I might get an Art Director position, but that was dismissed when budgeting fell through. Oh... how convenient. However, I was offered a choice between Flash developer, Lead designer or Associate Art Director. Hmmm... I guess a promotion is better than nothing, I said to myself. Oh, but that's not the end of it.

Today, I was finally offered a new exciting position that allows me to work with different brands, products and design co-partner sites. I would work closely with a new (to be hired) Associate art director. Oh... what? That's the position I interviewed for and got 10 thumbs up! Oh... and what's that I hear? The title of my position would be ... *drumroll* ... Senior Designer.

Hmmm, wow, yeah..... it sounds great and all, but wait a second... I AM a Senior Designer! Woah, did they just try to pull a fast one on me? So that means... no Flash developer, no lead designer, no associate art director... just a big fat promotion of NOTHING! WOW!

*Raise hand* Yes! Yes! I'll take it!!
Oh, job, how I love and hate you.

2007-08-10T15:07:00.000-07:00

I haven't really talked much about my trip to Europe due to the fact that I didn't know when I was going to travel. Matt's R&R schedule had a few changes, so understandably I couldn't notify work about my vacation until the military figured themselves out.

The last day before vacation sucked. I wrote about it a few blogs below... but my 10 hour flight to Paris was much much better. The only problem... I couldn’t remember where I was supposed to meet Matt at the airport! Needless to say, I was a little bit panicked about our rendez-vous. My eyes darted around the airport as soon as I picked up my luggage. I desperately searched for a convenient store where I could buy a telephone card to retrieve any messages from my cellphone that Matt may have left me. I certainly had no clue where to find a store, let alone find HIM!

Then low and behold, as I left the baggage claim area, I could see a man walking toward me in the corner of my eye. Sure, french men are always friendly but I had no idea who or what was going to happen - I was on guard. And there it was, BAM! Matt walked into me and exclaimed, "HIIIIIIIII BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". I will never forget the look on his pale face. We were so happy to see each other; it felt so warm and familiar. Gosh, I missed him so!

And that, was the beginning of my trip to Europe.
More photos here if you wish...

Itching?

2007-08-09T16:32:00.001-07:00

IMG_2321.JPG
Originally uploaded by mowie

I know I haven't blogged much about my trip to Europe. I tell you, it was so much fun! We happened to be near Utah Beach where a circus was setting up. They went around town broadcasting their arrival and also kept animals near and around their areas.

This pony got really tired of standing and couldn't help but wedge his butt up against the circus posted. Too funny!

Back from R&R!

2007-07-28T18:44:00.000-07:00

Incase you haven't noticed, I've been gone for weeks! I finally had the chance to meet up with Matt in France and spent our time traveling, eating, resting and drinking wine together. Oh how I miss Europe already...

I got home last night and was exhausted, but after being gone for 3 weeks I felt the need to tidy up the house a bit. Though, I still wasn't able to sleep because I just miss Matt so much.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling so emotional since I know that we will be together before the end of the year, but I just have this ache in my heart because I miss his presence so much. After 3 weeks of pure heaven, why did it have to end with reality? I miss him so much it hurts.

Not so good.

2007-07-09T20:35:00.001-07:00

I've had it up to my eyeballs with work to the point where I am not happy with who I am. I feel that the work-life balance is non-existent and that there is no end in sight. I have continually committed week nights, weekends and even holidays to my project. Yet, it seems that there is no enough time, not enough resources and not enough support.

I left the office crying today. I had received feedback regarding my designs at 6:30pm and was asked take a different approach. This, obviously, did not sit very well with me especially since I am going to go on vacation shortly to see Matt.

I couldn't help but cry and sob quietly in my cubicle. Why isn't there enough help? Who is sick enough to pile so much work onto a person to the point where they feel suffocated? A coworker came to say goodbye to me and found me crying instead. He tried to offer support, but since he doesn't work on this project I kindly wished him a good night instead. I think he went and told my boss that I was crying.. which really is very embarrassing.

He pulled me into his office and told me to take a deep breathe. Work really shouldn't be this difficult, I said. I feel like a slave. This is the last thing I wanted from my job; I've done this many times before and swore that it would not happen again.

I'm having a hard time finding perspective and rationalizing my work in comparison to Matt's commitments in Iraq. Why do people my office feel the need to apply so much pressure to employees? We're only building websites, for crying out loud. Why?????

2007-07-06T18:48:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a few days. Trust me I really want to blog, but I don't care to complain in public about how many hours I've been spending in the office or at home doing... WORK.

They say that if you don't have anything nice to say, to keep your mouth shut. So, I am going to keep it zipped! There, I blogged!

To love is to risk having your heart broken.

2007-06-30T22:47:00.000-07:00

June 21st officially marks the day I moved out of my beautiful craftsman in South Pasadena and left my ex-husband last year. It was a day of grief and relief, which fortunately brings me to a better place today. My ex and I didn't leave on good terms, in fact I'm sure he thinks I'm a wretched piece of work that ruined his life. I am not angry for what happened in the past because I understand that people change. As for John, he let fury enter his soul.

The day I left John was also the week of our wedding anniversary. I was no more than a roommate to him at that time, two strangers in a home who couldn't talk to each other. I remember how angry he was at me for feeling the way I did; he wagged his finger in my face and yelled saying I was unbelievable. But a few days later, he finally realized that I was serious and begged for a second chance. But, I had already emotionally removed myself from this relationship months before. He made me feel insignificant and unworthy.

I remember he called me one day, saying that he was at the grocery store and wanted to know if he could get me anything for dinner. I said, "No, I'm not coming home", which broke his heart. I remember the day I went to pick up some of my belongings and he told me he got me a present. It was bouquet of flowers with a note that said, "To my wife on our anniversary, wishing that I had showed you how much I love you." But it was too late.

I'm sharing this because this is part of my past, something that will never change. I have learned from this experience and vow to move forward in a positive manner. It amazes me how fast one year has passed by. It was also a year ago that I met Matt (after leaving John) and learned to fall in love all over again. I told myself that I wasn't going to rush into another relationship, but when I finally found the right person it was painfully hard to resist. Even if it meant waiting a year for him to return from his deployment in Iraq.

My biggest fear is for the same mistakes to arise again. I'm consciously aware that it takes two people to make love succeed or fail. Both parties are equally responsible. If I've learned anything from my past, that is to never allow someone else control, judge or define me. My beliefs, hobbies, talents, skills and aspirations are mine; mine to share with the world.

So, I have a hypothetical question.

2007-06-20T21:52:00.000-07:00

When a boss expresses disappointment with the progress of a project, should you as his employee take responsibility for it if his direction was wrong to begin with? Or, was it your duty to point out the fault and propose new solutions? Or, do you just sit back and do your job as told?

Today, I found myself in a situation where I did not want to step on toes, but felt the need to do so anyway. My solutions were helpful as it guided us into new directions, but still, it was not enough. As I told Matt, I am not one to press for more questions and waste time. I prefer to be proactive in seeking solutions. In other words, "I want answers! Not questions!"

My hypothetical question isn't so hypothetical since it's obvious that I'm talking about myself. I am beginning to feel the noose tighten itself around my neck at work. New responsibilities, pressing deadlines, not enough time... what's new?

And since I'm on this rant, everything that I speak of above is absolutely minor in comparison to what Matt has to experience on a regular basis. In today's blog, he writes:

The real crime… detachment is contagious. Witnessing sensational acts of violence or its effects is initially shocking often infuriating. Seeing recurring acts over time and we become desensitized and numb. Before you know it, we are simply indifferent or detached. Yesterday’s extreme act is today’s aggressive action and tomorrow’s routine. Inevitably the mere definition of “sensational act” must be escalated to the incomprehensible… another potential fanatic is born.

I agree that detachment is a real crime. I have experienced this on the home front with mostly by people who don't know how to deal... but I'm really tired, thus I will stop ranting now. If you want, go read the full post.

What do you feel?

2007-06-13T20:23:00.001-07:00

For the past few days I've been trying to summon up emotions to remind myself what it feels like to be "emotional". I've mastered the happy face for quite some time, but I am still afraid that Matt's deployment has somewhat broken me down.

I don't want to say I am not compassionate, rather, I sometimes don't know how to react when faced with unpleasant situations, ie: someone got hit by a car. My current instinct would be, "Let's keep moving, no time to stop for sadness", but I simply can't remember how I would have reacted before experiencing deployment.

Two days ago, a friend of mine revealed that her brother may possibly have Hodgkins disease. She is anxious to find out test results. To be quite honest, I don't think I revealed an inch of sadness. I may have seemed sympathetic, but that was only after I quietly reminded myself to "act sympathetic". I don't know what to feel anymore.

Now, before you say that I am damaged goods, I need also share that I have not been sleeping well for the past week. I am fatigued, drained and my spirit is lacking. For my fellow military girlfriends, wives and friends, do you still "feel"? I want to cry... but I can't.

2007-06-11T20:37:00.000-07:00

Mood: Cranky, bitchy, thirsty, tired, achy and grumpy.

Reason: Need to meet a deadline of a new design for MickeyMouse.com website and also having worked my weekend away! My cat, Sabi, brought a 2 inch dead grasshopper into the kitchen as food and toy, and I still don't have enough time to clean the house, plan a wedding shower, bachelorette party and vacation.

My sincerest apologies to my: Babylove, Ivette, Jen and John Laun for chewing your heads off.

Once.

2007-06-08T22:07:00.000-07:00

Often times I find myself just a tiny bit overwhelmed. At times, I wished that I had family here, someone to just visit without expectations. Visits as simple as watching TV together, eating microwave dinners or cooking together. I miss it...

I realize that miss family most when my stress levels increase. Now, I'm not going to jump to conclusions and say that I'm a bundle of stress, but I do have quite a few apples to juggle.

I left the office today absolutely drained, and yes, hungry. Driving around town really never is rewarding, because I can never find any food when I crave it. But something did catch my eye - Laemmle's Theatre.

I carefully glanced at the movie posters and decided I was going to watch a movie called "Once" even though I was 20 minutes late. It didn't stop me from feeding myself with a medium sized bucket of butter drenched popcorn and an Odwalla juice (for healths sake)!

Let's just say that after the movie ended... I rushed home to buy the album...

The Irish romance Once is one of those urban fairy tales you come out of not wanting to switch on your car radio, make small talk or do anything but shelter in its beguiling ambiance for as long as you can to avoid re-entering the real world. In real life, you’d hardly register the ginger-haired busker and the elfin Czech immigrant who meet by chance while working the streets of Dublin in this small, simple movie written and directed by John Carney, the former bass guitarist for the Dublin band the Frames. more...

mowie saved the day!

2007-06-03T19:48:00.001-07:00

I spent the day at a spiritual church called Agape for a morning sermon with Reverend Michael Beckwith. I have visited this church several years ago while attending a Pranic Healing class and remembered the warmth, love and spirituality this church offered. Best yet, I did not feel the stereotypical preachy, religious gooey pressure to praise God. I am not a religious person, however I do believe in a higher being, power, an all-knowing entity that guides us for our purpose in life. That being said, I believe in everything and anything that is invisible to the naked eye.

Todays sermon touched upon the subject of "Cosmic, not cosmetic". We learned that all circumstances that surround us are created for the experience of life. Our limits may be tested, pushed, but all of these circumstances only become real if we allow them to affect us. We are never considered victims unless we allow ourselves to be victims. We are placed on this earth for a reason! I am so happy to have had this message delivered to me in this message, because I needed it.

On my way home, I stopped by the gas station to fill up my tank. I pulled up infront up head to head with a new Nissan Murano. The gas station is usually bustling with with people of all shapes, sizes and ages. While I consider it safe, there are sometimes homeless people who wander from car to car asking for money. As I was cleaning my windshields, I was startled by some shouting and found Mr Murano car guy yelling profanities at a homeless man who had asked for money.

"Fuck you", he said.
"No fuck you man. All you had to do was say no, don't tell me to go fuck myself".
Mr Murano car guy walked around his car and they came within 4 feet of each other. I wanted to mind my own business, but quite frankly they were pissing me off and it was a pitiful sight to see Mr. Murano car guy arguing with a homeless man. What kind of example was he trying to set here?

Getting angry, I stormed over there waving my windshield wiper and yelled,
"Knock it off you two. YOU - get in your car NOW!!!!!!! You, let's go. No more fighting here!!!"

Mr Murano car guy (the coward) quickly ran to his car, while leaving me to defend and diffuse the anger. I told the homeless man that I agreed the man was rude and out of line, that there was no reason for him to use such profanities. Surprisingly, the homeless man (who was wearing an Army Veterans hat) apologized and said that he did not want for me to get into the middle of this. I responded by saying that I did not want to see good people get into fights, as it was uncalled for.

I'm happy that I stood up for an Army Veteran... and I'm just a silly little Canadian! Todays lesson was well learned...

You can not be a victim unless you make yourself one, and we went about our merry way :)

I love my cats!

2007-05-31T23:05:00.001-07:00

I feel like a single parent sometimes. My cats are dependent upon me to feed them, provide them love and attention. But what makes cats such great companions is also their independence. They can entertain themselves by spend hours running around chasing faux mice, grooming their fur or sleeping which also happens to be my favorite.

Every night when I come home from work, I always expect to be greeted by my furry friends. If it isn't Misty who runs up the driveway as I get out of my car, I can bet you that Sabi and Kaeli will be sitting by the front door waiting for me. And they meow!

As I am now sitting in bed, I am surrounded by all three of them. Sabi, the grey, quietly purrs while gazing at me with such strong intent. Kaeli, the cream calico, snores and pretends to be the princess that she is, while Misty, little socks, grooms herself and meows whenever she hears her name. I love being with them because they offer true unconditional love!

Out of town!

2007-05-27T19:38:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I am out of town! To be specific, I am currently in my "home-town" of Toronto, Canada. Yep, eh? I decided to come home just earlier this week as I decided it was time to renew my passport.

I immediately picked up the telephone and called my brother to announce my arrival. He was so consumed with asking me business questions that he failed to register that I am coming home, "But, I'm coming home this weekend!!"

"What about the design, when are you going to do them?"

"But, I'm coming home this weekend!! Didn't you hear me?"

Well, I'm finally here! My first night home was outstanding. Derrick took me to a concert for Feist, my favorite recording artist. Her vocals leave you with more to be desired, not a single key off note and a jammin' sense of humor. If only the couple sitting next to us would have just taken their raging hormones home!

Today, we visited my Aunts, uncle, cousins and little niece (who isn't so little anymore!) Hmm hmm hmm! Thank you for the grub Aunt Maggie & Uncle Pat!

The Little Red Hen

2007-05-23T18:54:00.000-07:00

One day as the Little Red Hen was scratching in a field, she found a grain of wheat.

"This wheat should be planted," she said. "Who will plant this grain of wheat?"
"Not I," said the Duck.
"Not I," said the Cat.
"Not I," said the Dog.
"Then I will," said the Little Red Hen. And she did.

Soon the wheat grew to be tall and yellow.

"The wheat is ripe," said the Little Red Hen. "Who will cut the wheat?"
"Not I," said the Duck.
"Not I," said the Cat.
"Not I," said the Dog.
"Then I will," said the Little Red Hen. And she did.

When the wheat was cut, the Little Red Hen said, "Who will thresh the wheat?"

"Not I," said the Duck.
"Not I," said the Cat.
"Not I," said the Dog.
"Then I will," said the Little Red Hen. And she did.

When the wheat was threshed, the Little Red Hen said, "Who will take this wheat to the mill?"

"Not I," said the Duck.
"Not I," said the Cat.
"Not I," said the Dog.
"Then I will," said the Little Red Hen. And she did.

She took the wheat to the mill and had it ground into flour. Then she said, "Who will make this flour into bread?"

"Not I," said the Duck.
"Not I," said the Cat.
"Not I," said the Dog.
"Then I will," said the Little Red Hen. And she did.

She made and baked the bread. Then she said, "Who will eat this bread?"

"Oh! I will," said the Duck.
"And I will," said the Cat.
"And I will," said the Dog.
"No, No!" said the Little Red Hen. "I will do that." And she did.

Hard heart and thick skin

2007-05-23T11:04:00.000-07:00

As I was leaving my cubicle at 8 o'clock on Monday night, I bumped into Stephen who was also on his way out the door for dinner with Ben. They wouldn't take no for an answer, so I ended up joining them on an adventure for the best lasagna in town.

We started dinner by asking each other how their weekend was. Ben & Stephen gave each other a look of apprehension and weren't sure if they should talk about how Stephen's weekend went. He even asked about my mental state, just to be sure that I could handle what they were about to tell me. I replied, "I"m fine, nothing bothers me. Is it violent? I can handle it!" Stephen went on to tell me that he woke up to find his neighbor frantically banging on the door because her husband had collapsed. Armed with CPR training, he immediately rushed to the man and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation without success, thus leaving Stephen with a long weekend and a strange feeling in his heart.

The reason I tell you this is because this story didn't phase me at all. Blank. No emotion, no tears, no panic. Blank. I went on to share that I recently read an article about a 16 year old Iraqi girl who was stoned to death in public by her relatives for being seen with a Muslim man. I even watched the video, which interestingly and surprisingly, did not disturb me.

Ben and Stephen looked at me with awe and disbelief. It wasn't until then that I felt strange because I am not upset, distracted, distressed or in denial about these sort of events. I am simply desensitized. My day to day life continues knowing that my heart resides in Baghdad, with possibilities unknown. But I continue my support and love for Matt simply by acknowledging and accepting that war goes on. I am tired by those who get to go home and enjoy their freedom, paint their toenails or play with their Nintendos. I am tired of those who pretend, ignore or deny what goes on in the Middle East.

My heart is hard and my skin is thick. I am not phased by death. What does that make me?

I am lost.

2007-05-21T00:12:00.000-07:00

I hit a rough spot over the past few weeks. Well, it's always been up and down with all the activities going on in the sandbox. I've been doing a lot of thinking about what exactly I want to do with my life. My current work simply doesn't provide any satisfaction (in comparison to what Matt is doing). Okay, I guess you're saying I shouldn't even start to compare my world with his because it is what it is. But, humor me.

I think I've lost my purpose and I don't know what to do! Where do I start? Funny, the answers are infront of me, but I need it spelled out for me. I am intuitively retarded.

Easy Sunday

2007-05-20T19:53:00.000-07:00

Today was rather relaxing. I woke up naturally at 9:05am (yes, early for me), put some coffee on and slowly headed to Burlington Coat Factory. Have you seen all the goodies they have there? A $14.99 XOXO purse is unbeatable. Wow!

Had lunch at home in my back yard. Picked up chinese medicine and headed over to a free hoola hoop dance class hosted by my friend Cat. It was fun, with the exception of my scar causing a bit of pain.

Grocery shopping at Trader Joe's, Hang Kook Market and headed home. Fresh air in my back yard. Poured a glass of Alsace 2004. Delicious.

What did you do? :)

2007-05-19T22:38:00.000-07:00

I went to see my chinese doctor today and had an accupuncture treatment too. I've been seeing Dr. Wu for nearly a month and a half. Not only does she do accupuncture, but she creates custom tinctures (chinese bitter herbal soup) for me on a weekly basis depending on how my body reacts. Though my insurance doesn't cover the treatments, I feel its the best money I've spent in comparison to the never ending bills from western practices.

Every week, I see Dr. Wu who checks my pulse, looks at my tongue and tells me how my body is progressing. I've basically got a lot of toxins built up in my body which contributes to my ovarian cysts. Phlegm in my throat is an indication of how well my body is filtering out the yucky stuff. Unfortunately, I missed last weeks session and I am paying for it. The phlegm increased and I started to feel pain in my ovaries (yes, I can feel the cysts!). I will never miss a session again!

Todays treatment has left me a little bit tired. It didn't stop me from going to Ranch 99 to do some grocery shopping. I even bought a striped bass (fish) and steamed it with some light soysauce, ginger and green onions. Wow, it was so good! I also cooked a japanese eggplant and a chinese fuzzy melon (see picture on the right) with shittake mushrooms. Yum!

I'm sorry.

2007-05-19T22:08:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry for scaring you in my previous post. Matt and I got into a fight and it left me heartbroken. I tossed and turned throughout the night; even brought on a fever due of anger. It was reminiscent of my days with my ex, who thankfully is someone I no longer have to deal with. I won't go into details about the fight, but let's just say that I was so upset that I could not think straight. I was a walking zombie, confused and distraught. I love Matt with all my heart and I would hate for... you know.

When all of this happened, I fell into a state of shocked and became deathly afraid of running into the same issues with my ex. The biggest issue was : communication or lack thereof. All I ever want is understanding and acknowledgement. Yet, sometimes men seem to misinterpret what it is we're asking them for. Men have a tendency to want to fix things, they become defensive when they are challenged and all logic goes out the door. I'm grateful for the "fix it" mentality which comes in handy from time to time.

Women on the other hand just want to talk - in my case, I got so scared that I couldn't even talk. When women talk, we have a tendency to ramble and rant, which really is nothing more than a rant. We have difficulty getting to a point, which makes everything become long and drawn out, only adding to confusion. It doesn't mean we're looking for immediate solutions, we simply want to be heard. And, in most cases, a good old fashion hug full of reassurance is exactly what we need.

Since Matt is not on this continent, hugs may be a little bit hard to come by. I am so thankful that he refused to give up on me or let me walk away in fear. I don't want to make the same mistakes I did with my ex, so please, show me if I repeat similar patterns. A second chance in love can succeed if we learn from our past.

Matt, I love you and I'm sorry I hurt you too.

Rage and fury

2007-05-18T20:34:00.000-07:00

Heart aches.
Sadness.
Daze and blur.
Feelings disregarded.
Just like my ex.

SpouseBuzz

2007-05-17T17:19:00.000-07:00

I had an extraordinary mini-weekend excursion in San Diego. First off, let me tell you that I absolutely love the 2 hour drive along the coast from Los Angeles to San Diego. Being able to cruise with fresh air, sunny blue skies with the light sea salt infused wind blowing in my hair makes me want to jump for joy. It is those simple pleasures that make me happy!

My reason for driving to San Diego was to attend a Military Spouse Convention hosted by SpouseBuzz through Military.com, which I had only learned about the day before its commencement. I had been so eager to meet other military spouses, that this was literally a dream come true. Rain or shine, I was going to get there regardless of the fact that I had to wake up at 6am to drive!

There, I had the wonderful experience of hearing other military wives (I was a minority being just a girlfriend), and their stories. I also got to hear from a wife who had lost her husband in a training accident. He is survived by his wife and 5 kids. Her story was not only a tear jerker, but a great source of inspiration. My friend, Michael, also came to the convention to join me. His girlfriend is also going to head out to the sandbox in the next month. I hope that he can stay strong for her; I know its not easy.

One book that gives me a great deal of inspiration is "The Secret". Though its contents are neither new nor profound, it teaches the simple theory of Laws of Attractions and Positive Thinking. The Cliff Notes version is: If you invest enough positive thought energy into something, the universe will grant you with what you want. So, a good example would be, "I want to win a $10,000 trip to Barbados." However, "I don't want to get robbed" will only lead you to getting robbed because you're still investing thoughtful energy into it.

Anyway, back to my story. At the convention was a game called Diamond Dig. This was a marketing opportunity from the NCAA to showcase their jewelery and offer a chance to win a free diamond in a big bowl of cubic zirconia. Of course, being the optimist that I am, I invested all my heeby jeeby positive energy and thoughts into winning this diamond (which I hear was a significant size). I approached the table and there sat a bowl of shiny gems. I didn't know how to chose, so I went with my gut and picked the one with the most luster and color. If you are following me, I am so happy to tell you THAT I WON!! Here's also a picture of all the goodies I took home with me that day.

I went on to my hotel room at a resort in San Diego, which you can see in these lovely photos. My friend Niki came down to join me. Oh gosh, we spoiled ourselves badly!!! We treated ourselves to a $100 dinner at Trattatoria Acqua where we stuffed our faces with fresh calamari, pasta, seafood, wine and last but not least, dessert. I'll leave you with some photos from my weekend... It was one of the best weekends I've had in a while!

I am a Military Girlfriend

2007-05-14T17:51:00.000-07:00

I am a military girlfriend. I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be. I am at the bottom of the chain. I hold no Military ID card, I am not a “dependent” or a parent. The man I love may face unspeakable dangers, and I am at the mercy of those who possess this recognition for news. I understand this and accept this.

I am a military girlfriend. I have promised to be here for him upon his return, no matter how long he is away. People may say I am insane for making such a commitment with no guarantees, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe to me. I know full well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times.

I am a military girlfriend, there is no ring on my finger to symbolize our commitment, though I love him no less for it. I hope every day that he will be able call because a simple 30-second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions…smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain. My relationship is based on a brief communication where “I love you and I’m okay” speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going.

I am a military girlfriend. I take no moment spent together for granted. I hold onto every touch, caress, kiss, every word. I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice, and I play it over and over in my mind so that I will not forget. I cry myself to sleep some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off, and start a new day.

I am a military girlfriend. The events of the next several months hold my life, my love, and my future in the balance. When you watch the news reports, you may turn away and go about your business relatively unaffected. When I watch news stories of the war I do not see nameless soldiers a half a world away. I see individuals who will be forever changed by war. News of every casualty causes me physical pain and deep sadness.

I am a military girlfriend, not a spouse or family member. When you say your prayers for the wives, mothers, and fathers, please don’t forget about me.

From http://pages.ivillage.com/militarygals/id21.html

A lot of thinking.

2007-05-14T16:09:00.000-07:00

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past few weeks and it is not until recently that I realize what has occurred. A series of frustrations has disrupted my usual pattern, causing me to take responsibilities for things I am still trying to understand.

Being a military girlfriend is new to me; a 4 month crash course in Navy life before Matt was deployed is really nothing to brag about. But, if you've asked me what I've learned about being a military girlfriend, I would have to tell you straight up that it's not easy. This years "The Bachelor" depicts navy sailors as highly desirable men, but come on ladies, they're in the Navy! It means they get deployed, they go on submarines for long periods of time or maybe a ship, they can get hurt or worse. They're not always going to be there for your beck and call with flowers and romance - get real!

Because I have so much time, I have come up with a list of things I would want to tell new military girlfriends (wives or families)

It's not as glorious as you think and plan on experiencing loneliness, depression and insomnia. We have sleepless, worrisome, lonely and even pathetic insomniac nights. I didn't sleep for nearly 2 weeks and became sick with the flu and depression for 3 weeks straight. If I was given a dollar for every night I couldn't sleep, I'd be rich by now. I still cry myself to sleep every now because I wish for a warm body next to me and then, but I wake up the next day and keep going. I ache for his presence, but I can only account for myself.

I hate being alone, I hate not having someone to come home too and I really hate that I can't see his face. But everytime I get down, I simply can't expect Matt to cheer me up every time I'm down. I'm not even in the battle zone! So yes, whenever I'm lonely it gets lonelier because I don't know who to talk to. If you see me talking to myself, it's because I'm lonely.
This is the time to discover yourself. Oh boy has this one been true for me. I've learned to be the creative person that I was born to be. I have learned to become resourceful in relying in myself for entertainment. I no longer expect friends or others to be my source of happiness. Yes, it's nice to make other people happy, but I think I want to make myself happy for now.

The trick to discovering yourself is to constantly fill your time with activities. I now heavily rely on my gmail calendar to make sure that I am on the go. Keeping busy helps take your mind off the worrisome thoughts. If I didn't do this, Matt would be calling home to a basket case - uhh yeah, not so attractive, huh? Secret: stay busy!
You will find inner strength and become stronger than you were before. Because I have taken the time to discover myself, I have learned that every step of the way teaches a significant lesson. Whether it be self preservation, respect, patience or even gluttony when I feel sorry for myself, I realize that I no longer wag my emotional tail for attention. I feel strong enough to carry myself and perhaps a few fellow friends if need be. Whatever it is, I feel self sufficient and it wasn't easy getting here.
People will forget that being a military spouse is also difficult. I had a very difficult time with this because often times people forget or do not know how to deal with military spouses. The "awww" face is common (where people say "awwwwwwwwwww *insert frown* I don't know how you do it.. awwwww). Often times, people and even friends will forget that I also bear the emotional burden of a sailor in Iraq. Though it may not be as intense as the guy who's boots on ground, it's still hard. I can only imagine what it's like being a military wife with 5 kids. Yes, I have my "WHAT IF" moments, but I manage. The news on the television doesn't help much either, so I tend to shy away from it.

Constantly thinking (and not so much worrying) is stressful and not easy. I tread through each day with my chin up and know in my heart that he will not lose his sanity (or life, but I know he will come back alive). The worst that a war can do is to kill a man's spirit. Can you imagine watching someone lose their spirit and hopes? It sucks. I know.
You will feel overlooked and under-appreciated. I enjoy talking to friends, but come on people... please don't ignore me and go straight to, "How is Matt?". I am a human being with emotions. I am not his secretary, his boss or his receptionist. If you want to know how he is, then ask HIM! If you want to talk to me, then talk to ME and ask how my day was. I get stressed out too, you know?

I have cried so many times because I have felt unappreciated. While a lot of the attention goes to Matt, I feel that my support for him goes unnoticed. People always offer to send care packages, prayers and thoughts, but they almost 80% of the time forget about me. I'm not saying that I deserve anything, but if it weren't for military families, how do you think our sailors stay strong and persevere through difficulties? Emotional support comes from somewhere you know.
Military stress can affect your civilian life too. I have noticed that I have been gritting my teeth for the last 2 weeks. So much that the enamel on some of my teeth have broken off, causing tooth sensitivity. My sleep cycle varies, but because I am a warrior woman I can deal with lack of sleep.

To continue normally with my day to day activities is a grand understatement. You don't understand how many times I want to just sit at home and wallow in my pity for Matt. I miss him, I want to hug and kiss him, but I can't. I need love just like everyone else - but because I love him, I will need to go along this solitary path until he comes home. My normal life goes on, but he is in my mind 24/7. There is not a moment that I do not think or worry about him. It breaks my heart to try to make sense of why he is even there. It breaks my heart to think that he is stuck in a bad situation he has no control over. But I still go to work, even though my heart breaks.
Deployment will put your life into perspective and force you to evaluate your life. My heart goes out to the families of the soldiers who were killed or captured. My heart also goes out to the families of those who's have soldiers in the frontlines because it makes you wonder why are we fighting, when all of us just want to merely survive in peace.

I am thankful for those who signed up for the military, because if it weren't for them, we would not be able to enjoy our hot Starbucks latte's, a stroll on the beach, or even wearing skimpy shorts. It is because of these people that we are able to enjoy: FREEDOM.

My life as a web designer seems vastly insignificant when compared to these people who have sacrificed their lives. Nobody will die if a website doesn't launch on time! It makes me think that I should propel myself into a life changing experience which allows me to help and benefit others. But, what is it that I really want to do? I don't know yet, but it has gotten me to think.

Thinking is good. It means I'm considerate and conscious.

May 12th : Military Spouse Appreciation Day

2007-05-11T00:31:00.000-07:00

"If the military had wanted you to have a spouse, they would have issued you one." Remember those words? Well, that was then and this is now. America's military has realized and acknowledged the significance of the military spouse. In 1984 President Reagan proclaimed the Friday before Mother's Day of each year to be Military Spouse Appreciation Day. It is your day to stand up and be honored. read more...

I'm so happy that Military Spouse Appreciation Day exists, because far too often military spouses, girlfriends, fiancées feel unappreciated. It's easy to forget or acknowledge that it's not an easy job to maintain spirit and strength for sailors or soldiers overseas. I am happy to know that there is a day dedicated to these unsung heroes.

Thank you.

It feels empty.

2007-05-07T22:26:00.000-07:00

I did what most women would die to do, especially on a Monday evening after a hard day of work. I went shopping. Not just at any store, but at a discount brand name warehouse called Nordstrom Rack. Thrilling, just thrilling!

I made my way to the store after work and was set on my mission. As I scoured the racks of Kenneth Cole, BCBG, and Bebe, I came to the slow realization this all felt very empty. Not that the clothes were not beautiful, but I felt empty inside. I questioned why I was shopping? Who will notice me wearing a new jacket? Do I really need more clothes? Do clothes really matter? Nonetheless, I continued to shop. I picked up a pair of organic cotton bath towels. A pair of Coach sunglasses and a cute white polka dot skirt for $16.97.

I couldn't pinpoint where this empty feeling came from, but I believe that part of it is because I miss Matt. I wonder if he will want to go shopping with me when he comes home. Will he even remember what it's like? Will he want to just wear his clothes that haven't been touched in a year? Will they still fit?

I have been with Matt most every step of the way. I can't say that I will ever understand what he has experienced, but I am closer than most will know. All I have to say is that it breaks my heart to hear that his spirit is crushed. Knowing this makes me question what life has to offer.

While I was questioning life, I received the biggest sign ever. My shopping cart disappeared! One hour worth of shopping just gone. Poof. Perhaps this is a sign that I truly do not need to spend any more money. Perhaps I need to invest some more time into myself as opposed to material goods. Whatever the sign - I'm glad it happened.

This was a lesson well learnt.